


oh, i'm trying (not to give in to you)

by Buttercups



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (just of 4 years though), (this won't be innocent), Age Difference, Angst, Dan has a tongue piercing, Dirty Talk, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Grinding, Happy Ending, Jealous Phil Lester, Little Brother Dan, Love, M/M, Mentioned Violence and Homophobia, Minor Character Death, Pastel Dan, Punk Phil, Sexting, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Smut, Teasing, a bit of verbal and consensual degradation, but not the cliché kind, but really far from the cliché kind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-07 11:47:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 33,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11622888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttercups/pseuds/Buttercups
Summary: "So he guesses this could be considered the unfortunate, sad way it began, somehow. It isn't really, though. It just gave them some kind of beginning, but not this beginning. Not the beginning for this. It doesn't really make sense, but even in his own head he isn't sure anything does. Especially when it concerns Dan. All he knows is that even at that time he was far, far from imagining what was waiting for him.He was so far from knowing what Dan Howell was going to do to him."-dan is greg's little brother. greg is phil's best friend.phil discovers what craving someone actually means





	1. so where do we begin?

**Author's Note:**

> hello people of the phandom
> 
> here's something i had in mind for quite a while now.. just cause the idea of little brother!dan kinda messes me up and sexual tension is great so yep
> 
> this will potentially be long and i'll try not to be as bad as i usually am with updates
> 
> hope you enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's no actual answer as to where it began - phil tries to reflect on the 'when' question anyway
> 
> (chapter title from dodie - sick of losing soulmates)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for this chap: minor character death

Looking back on it, Phil isn't sure when it all began.

Maybe people would expect him to say it all began when he first met Dan, because that always sounds like such a romantic answer. But at the time Dan was 11 and Phil was 15 - which is kinda creepy to think about - and really to him Dan was just his best friend's little brother, a small guy living in Greg's house who would, from time to time, fight with his big brother as Phil watched helplessly. Nothing more than that.

He remembers first meeting him - or more like, seeing him, as the boy had just said hi and got back to locking himself into his bedroom, Phil looking at Greg in confusion and Greg rolling his eyes, muttering about how annoying Dan had been getting lately. They had both agreed, though - because at 15 they had already, stupidly, felt close to grown-ups - that getting into adolescence wasn't easy, and that they could understand Dan. But he almost didn't see the boy around at first, didn't talk to him at all, even though it became a habit for Phil to come over on the weekends, his friendship with Greg getting strong and stable. There wasn’t more than that. Never more than that.

So no, not when they first met.

Not even two years later, when Dan begins quietly staying around Greg and Phil, as they play video games and listen to the latest CD one of them bought, and Dan often answers them that, yes, that's a cool song, and smiles shyly as Phil tells him he has good taste.

That's around when Greg and Phil get into punk rock music, and start talking about piercings, tattoos, hair-dye and the lot, how cool it is and how they are going to get some very soon. And they do when they turn 18, Greg getting his eyebrow and nose pierced, Phil getting snakebites, black hair and a small flowery skull on the inside of his left upper arm.

Greg and Dan still fight regularly, and Greg often, and quite rudely, tries to make Dan leave them alone, but Phil always sees the subtly proud looks on his face when Dan compliments their new piercings, recognizes one of their songs, or stares, amazed, at Phil's tattoo.

Still, they don't have any actual conversations together, the boy shy and quiet around Phil, and Phil still considering him a kid. So, it doesn't begin around that time either.

He sometimes thinks, with a sudden weight in his stomach, that maybe it starts when Dan is 15, and Greg and Phil are 19. Sometimes that's what he thinks, that it's when Dan and Greg's lives take a dreadful turn, and their dad passes away from a heart attack.

It's hard, even for Phil. He knew their dad quite well by now, so it's strange, and scary to think that he won't ever see that man again. But mostly, of course, it's hard to see his sons having to deal with that.

Greg doesn't really talk about it. He only cries once in front of Phil, when he announces it to him - and as Phil holds him tightly, Greg gripping at him like Phil's his anchor, he tries not to cry too because he feels like that would be insulting.

He doesn't dare to cry when he's not the one who just lost his dad.

The thing is, though, that Greg is a tough guy, usually cheerful, with a rebellious soul in him - and for some time then, he's dull, calm - too calm - and beaten down, and Phil doesn't know how to act about it all, doesn't know what to say.

His mom talks to Phil - she's a mess, even cries a bit in Phil's arms, choking words about how she doesn't know what to do, how to move on, and feels like she can't even help her sons through it all. Greg doesn't resent his mom at all, though, just says he wants his father back and no one can give him that anyway.

The heartbreak is even more obvious on Dan. That would be something to expect, as he's so young and still mostly innocent, but still - it's a horrible thing to see the boy, even three weeks later, unexpectedly break down into tears during a movie, because Greg and Phil were trying to take their minds off of it all and Greg thought it would be nice to spend some time all together. Greg tries to hold Dan then, Phil watching helplessly, his chest all tight, but Dan pushes Greg's hands away and stumbles out the room, sobbing.

And it's horrible then to hear what Greg tells him, about how Dan still isn't eating much, still cries at night and still refuses Greg's comfort. He's a good kid, so nice and sweet that Phil feels helpless with how unfair it all is.

At some point afterwards, Phil comes to sleep over, the first time since - since their dad. At first, he feels awkward, almost like he shouldn't be here for so long, considering things. But then he makes Greg laugh and he realizes that, yes, _of course_ he should be here. He should be here, because they have to keep going, have to keep smiling, have to enjoy their time together. This is a hard part of his best friend's life, and he can't go through it alone, sad and unable to think of anything else. So he's here, for Greg, for their friendship, and he's staying and they actually spend a good time and peacefully fall asleep in Greg's bed, late at night.

He suddenly wakes up during his sleep, everything still dark and Greg's quiet, sleeping form next to him. Absently, he wonders why he woke up as he checks the time, and he's surprised to see it's 3am. Feeling a bit thirsty, he carefully heads to the bathroom, on his tip toes.

He doesn't realize there's light coming from under the bathroom's door before he's in front of it and it opens suddenly - he jumps in shock, both he and Dan sucking in a harsh, scared breath.

"Holy shit-" Phil whispers-shouts, "You scared me!"

Dan smiles weakly at him, and in the bathroom light Phil can see that his eyes are red and puffy, as he mumbles, "Sorry, I was just - uh, you can go now - I didn't expect you to be here."

"Yeah, I suppose you wouldn't." Phil chuckles lightly, carefully, and then he's brushing Dan's arm with his fingertips when he turns to walk away, "Hey. Are you okay?"

The serious tone must surprise him, as he looks up at him and stutters out his answer, "I - yeah, yeah I'm fine - good. Thanks."

But he's looking down as he bites his lip, and Phil observes him for a second before asking him if he's sure, and then he can see fat tears making their way down his cheeks. His chest tightens at the sight. Tentatively, he rubs Dan's arm slowly, and he asks him what's wrong, why he's crying, telling him he can talk to him, whatever it is, and that if he wishes so then Phil won't tell Greg or his mom or anyone and this will stay between them.

In the end, Dan does talk to him.

He talks about his dad. It's heartbreaking. The kid - because yes, he's still a kid to Phil - is lost, in what sounds like constant pain, a constant state of missing someone who's never coming back, ever. They sit on the bathroom floor, Phil's arm around Dan's side, and he tells him small memories that makes his heart aches, and talks about his pain, about how difficult he thinks life in itself has become. He has a hard time doing it, hiccuping a bit and pausing to sob between words, continually wiping his tears away with his sleeves, but Phil carefully listens, tries his best, even though he's not sure if he's the saying the right things at the right moments, if he's helping at all.

Eventually Dan stops crying though, and Phil's chest lightens a bit.

When he tells him they should get back to sleep, they quietly tell each other goodnight, and before walking away Dan suddenly rushes to Phil and puts his arms around him, squeezing him tightly as he whispers a ' _thank you_ '. Phil barely has time to hug him back before he's stepping away, smiling lightly at him before going back to his room.

Phil finally drinks from the sink - what he initially came here for - and when he looks up at his own reflection, a small, almost inexistant smile makes his way to his face.

Things have taken an unexpected, but most likely nice turn. That kid deserves support and attention - and more importantly, he needs it. Now more than ever. And Phil is glad to give some to him.

 

 

 

So he guesses this could be considered the unfortunate, sad way it began, somehow. It isn't really, though. It just gave them some kind of beginning, but not _this_ beginning. Not the beginning for _this_. It doesn't really make sense, but even in his own head he isn't sure anything does. Especially when it concerns Dan. All he knows is that even at that time he was far, _far_ from imagining what was waiting for him.

He was so far from knowing what Dan Howell was going to do to him.


	2. and when the seasons change, will you stand by me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so it wasn't about a beginning - it was about a shift
> 
> (chapter title from young the giant - mind over matter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo here's chap 2! it's longer than the first one but i'm not really sure how to feel about it ugh. it's a bit cringey tbh.. but starting from the next chapter it should get better (i think)(and more eventful)(by eventful i mean phil's gonna suffer a bit)(in a good way)
> 
> i'm gonna try to update about every two weeks i think, cause it worked for that one
> 
> warnings for this chap: mentioned violence and homophobia
> 
> hope you enjoy!

Greg and Phil meet in grade 10. They have classes and friends in common, so it's not long until they inevitably spend time together and, eventually, have a few conversations. At first, they're just acquaintances - they quite like each other, they share some moments together and make small talk, but it stops there.

What they really bond over is the way they see the world. They're only 14, yeah - but they know, and they see how different they are. It sounds vain, and a stereotypical thing for teenagers to say, but there's no denying it. They don't quite fit in. The friends they have in common also have that thing, that little something that makes them some kind of outcasts. It's probably not really the case, as they don't get bullied or even directly talked down to, but people ignore them, mostly, and sometimes look at them sideways.

They don't care. To them, _this_ is what makes them different. They don't care about fitting in, and they don't care if most people at school love them or not. They don't pay attention to trends and rumours and fights, and they definitely don't want to have anything to do with drama and people who spend their time creating it, or worse - creating fights and bullying and just generally being judgemental assholes. They just want a little peace, nice friends and some kind of justice.

When they first talk about it, they eventually just look at each other with small smiles and a look in their eyes that says - yeah, that's it, we're friends and you're spending more time with me starting _now_. So they do spend more time together, and often have these kinds of talks - they hope for people to be a bit smarter, a bit nicer. They dream of more freedom and equality, a society where no one's entitled to anything just because they're born as something they didn't choose to be, where everyone has the chance to do what they like most, where people don't find satisfaction in others' pain.

Of course, they also just hang out and laugh for hours, talk about TV shows (they're both fans of Buffy) and share music and stuff. But the way they see things - the world and people and just about everything - is what links them together, gives them the chance to have what they don't hesitate to call a _best friend_. Together, their craziest wish is to change the world.

So it doesn't take long before they both start hanging out at each other's house - a year, actually, and it's where Phil first meets Dan - and they become a pair of some sorts. A few years later they know basically everything about each other - their strengths and deepest desires and weaknesses and most terrifying nightmares. They get each other in a way that they haven't experienced with anyone else yet - and probably never will again.

That's probably also what gets them into punk rock and metal. It's a way for them to affirm their general feeling about the world, a way to show people what they are or aspire to be, even though it can sound stupid to some people. They get this desire from their favourite bands, from how good they feel at their concerts, yelling out the lyrics and jumping around. They're not as dark and closed off as people would assume they are though - they may wear black and listen to loud music, and they may have tattoos and piercings and keep to themselves, but sometimes they do feel like fake punks. And they probably kind of are - just wannabes who actually are soft-hearted and wishing everyone (well, almost everyone) the best.

Greg is more rebellious than Phil though - as they noticed in school. When being unfairly treated, Phil would mostly stay silent and ignore it (or accept it, if they were being scolded or getting detention) - Greg, however, would talk back with smooth, smart answers, just on the edge of insolent. Phil always admired it, and back then he would hide a smile as he smart-talked anyone daring to mistreat them. But really, that would only happen when needed, and they never would have been considered bad boys by anyone - they rarely got in trouble and never provoked anyone just for the sake of it.

Still, being punks - or fake punks - makes them feel good. So they don't restrain themselves.

 

 

 

  
The day after that night and that conversation with Dan, he doesn't see him before going back home. He gets there feeling satisfied with how he helped both brothers then, in his own way.

He spends the next three days in class, and in the library studying some more for his courses. That year of uni is probably his hardest yet - and it's not even his last one. His head is full of it and he can feel a headache coming as he finally closes his bedroom door on that third day and turns on his computer.

Thankfully, studying soon leaves his mind as he checks out his Facebook and finds out that Dan added him. There's also a message waiting for him. Smiling lightly and feeling a little incredulous, he opens it.

_hi phil :) i hope i'm not being annoying by adding you on here.... i just wanted to say thanx again for the other day. i probably shouldn't have bothered you with all of this,, but you were very nice anyway so yeah. thank you_

Flattered, and also kind of confused because to him that was something absolutely normal to do, he obviously accepts Dan's request and types out an answer.

_Hello Dan! No, of course you're not being annoying! I'm glad you did, even though you don't have to thank me. It's only fair for me to do that.. and you need to talk about it, so, yeah. How are you feeling today?_

He waits for a few seconds but Dan doesn't see the message immediately, so he goes on Dan's profile to check it out, just out of curiosity. It looks like there hasn't been anything new on it for a while now - since his dad, actually, Phil notices as he verifies the date. His profile picture is quite nice, and a few months old. He looks a bit emo, with his long fringe and serious face, but it weirdly suits him. Somehow. As much as the emo look can suit someone. He has more friends than Phil, which Phil raises his eyebrows at, though it doesn't seem like much of them like or comment anything Dan does. It's more or less a fact that Dan doesn't have many friends and is a bit of a loner, if not an outcast like Greg and Phil (that wouldn't be surprising), so it makes sense.

He smiles lightly when he looks through his likes and notices some of the bands Greg and Phil listen to. That's cute. He weirdly feels like an older brother, too - proud when seeing that he likes the stuff he helped him discover.

Going back to his feed, he scrolls through it without paying it much attention, mostly uninterested in what other people are doing. He only has Facebook because it's practical, especially to talk to his actual friends. Dan answers him and immediately Phil’s back to the conversation.

_um :x maybe i do.. but still. you're the first person i talked to about it. i'm fine i guess_

Phil's eyebrows raise stupidly in front of his computer. Maybe he should have guessed, seeing as Dan doesn't talk to Greg, but, well. He thought that maybe Dan at least had a friend or two he could tell his feelings to, or something.

Apparently not.

_Oh! I'm glad I am, then.. but, can I ask why? Like, do you not even talk to Greg?_

_no, not even to greg.. it's just that even thinking is hard.. so talking is worse_

Phil cringes at his own stupidity, and tries not to get sad.

_Yes, of course.. I'm sorry. That was a stupid question. I guess what I meant was that you should try to open up.. to a friend, or to Greg.. though I believe you when you say it's hard, so you shouldn't force yourself either_

_i think now maybe i can try... it helped, at least a little bit, so.. idk_

_That's good :) Greg is really worried about you... and he doesn't talk to me either, so I'd know how it feels to worry like he does. It could help you both.. to talk.. or, you know, just go to each other when you're down_

_i guess. but i'd go to him a lot then_

Ouch. Phil's heart clenches.

_:( yeah. He wouldn't mind, though. On the contrary. I think you need each other right now_

_.. i think we do, yes. i'll try. soon, maybe_

Phil smiles at that, hope filling his chest. Greg would feel so much better if they did, and he can only imagine how much two brothers could support each other in such an ordeal.

_I hope you will! You can also come to me if you want to, when you need it.._

_oh i wouldn't want to bother you again!_

_You wouldn't bother me, Dan! You didn't bother me the last time, and not right now, and not ever, okay?? I'm here if you need it. Don't you worry about bothering me_

_thank you.. really. you're too nice. i need to go and try doing my homework now.. but thank you, phil_

_Don't thank me! Good luck with that homework :) see you soon_

_thanks :3 gonna need it. see you_

He chuckles at the emoji, before closing the chat window. He smiles lightly before his face relaxes into a pensive one, and he sighs a bit as he looks up at the ceiling. He knows he can't control any of this, and can't be sure about what effects he can have, but he does hope that Dan will talk to Greg, though it's not like it's going to magically heal them - it's just that it should help them both, at least a little.

And Phil really wants them to feel better - even just a little.

 

 

 

 

Eventually, things do get better for them. Partly because Dan ends up talking a lot to Greg - and reciprocally - but mostly, it's time that heals them. Not completely, because it's clear it changed them, probably forever. It changed them, in the sense that some part of them will miss their father until their last breath, and that they're a bit more cautious, a lot more mature. Healing probably isn't the most appropriate term right now, actually. Phil guesses they just keep going, and are still learning how to live with it. They changed in some ways, can't really get past it yet, but mostly it now feels like they're _back_ , and it's _great_.

Confiding in each other and acquiring maturity has another impact on Dan and Greg - it binds them together. They're brothers, but in a different, more important way. They're not just brothers who occasionally argue and fight and play video games together, they're brothers who support each other, look out for the other. There's a sense of closeness to their relationship, something that's very touching to Phil, when he observes quietly as they talk and debate and make sure the other's okay.

They take care of each other. They went through this together and it's now impossible to deny - especially with how protective Greg becomes of Dan. It's not yet excessive, but it's just so evident, with how he makes sure that Dan's okay, that no one's treating him badly, that nothing's making him feel down, and if there is then he knows he can talk to Greg and he'll do everything he can to help him. He asks Dan a lot about his whereabouts and the friends he hangs out with - basically everything he can ask to ensure Dan's fine and not getting into any trouble.

Dan tries to help Greg through things, too, but obviously it's different - Dan's the little brother, and that's where it differs. He mostly gets Greg to speak when he's down, and he helps him take his mind off of his vicious circle of thoughts he sometimes gets lost into, but he can't be the one asking him about everything, the one ensuring that Greg doesn't do anything stupid or doesn't get hurt, because Greg's 20 - he's an adult, in all senses of the term, and he doesn't take any bullshit. Even less since he lost his father; he doesn't bother with a lot of people, and trusts with difficulty.

Dan, however, seems to function quite differently. It's not a problem per se, Dan's just very sensitive, very caring, and needs a lot of affection. He trusts quickly and sometimes he gets hurt - friends aren't always what he should call friends, and it's a hard thing for him to accept. He's only 16 though, so he's got time to learn from his mistakes, or just build up a bit more walls until it's easier for him (and for Greg, who worries too much).

That's what Phil reminds them of, sometimes. Because as Dan gets closer to Greg, he also does to Phil. Of course he does, with how much time Greg and Phil spend together. With time, Dan hangs out with them more and more, with less difficulty and less restraint every time, until a year later it's normal for him to tease Phil and join serious conversations, all playful, talkative and eager. It's different, when he's there - he's younger, so that's probably why. He's so mature for his age, open-minded and avid for philosophical discussions, but he's still a teenager, sometimes hesitant, sometimes too forward and overexcited, still learning about things but trying his best in everything he does, in everything he says.

He's trying really hard, but he's already a _great_ kid, so sometimes it's Phil who tries to tone Greg down a bit, when he's over-protective or lectures Dan about things he probably should be learning by himself. Sometimes it also helps Dan not to be as paranoid as Greg can be about people. Dan had to grow up so much faster than other kids, in only a year - he's already hurt, so deeply wounded that he often acts and talks almost like an adult who has seen a lot and been through more. But he's only 16. He's  _supposed_ to have trust in people, to get excited easily and make mistakes. He should keep some of his innocence - at least what's left of it.

So Phil's here to help balance it all out.

Greg never hears about the conversation Dan and Phil had that night in the bathroom, nor does he know about the Facebook messages. Phil had told Dan it would stay between the two of them - and it did. Greg just thinks they became somewhat friends over the year, thanks to their rapprochement. He's not wrong, though, because after that last Facebook conversation they never talked just the two of them again. Dan probably didn't dare, even with Phil telling him he should come to him if he ever feels bad. It's okay, though - Phil doesn't take it badly. He's happy with these last changes, with how Greg and Dan both got better, with the moments they all spend together.

It's all good, then. Easy. They play video games and discuss, and they laugh and tease, and sometimes they just quietly listen to some music, or watch a TV show. Dan likes their music and style, but he also likes very different stuff from them, may it be in music or clothes. He makes them listen to it; soft, melancholic songs or catchy pop tunes, even weird, old 80s music at times, and it's actually a nice change that they quietly accept and even praise sometimes. Dan always beams at them before looking back at his phone with a smile, and Greg and Phil secretly exchange a knowing grin.

Dan's taste in clothes is just as special as his taste in music. He's still a bit emo, and he does like Greg and Phil's style, so he often wears black, still straightens his hair and even steals Greg's eyeliner from time to time, though he doesn't wear it on schooldays. Sometimes, though, on weekends or vacations, he'll come out of the shower with curly hair and soft, pale clothes, like loose jumpers and white jeans. Apparently, that look has a name - Dan once tells them it's called  _pastel._ Just - pastel. And, well. It's a bit weird to Phil, particularly on a guy - but admittedly, it does look good on Dan. It's quite cute. He's a cute kid, so of course it suits him.

Still, Dan keeps saying that one day he'll get piercings too, like his brother just won't stop doing (Phil thinks he must have, like, 10 of them now) and as Phil adds some more tattoos on his upper arms, he always admires them, sometimes even traces them lightly. Phil thinks it's safe to say that Dan will get one later, too, and it makes him smirk at him every time, chuckling as Dan shyly looks away, biting his lip. Phil then shakes his head in amusement, and again with how reluctant Greg looks to the idea of Dan getting piercings or tattoos.

So Dan brings a touch of something new with him, something different but interesting, even a bit fascinating from how complex and varied it is. It works well with them, no matter what.

One day, though, there’s a shift in their new dynamic.

It happens on a Friday, when Phil's staying over as he usually does, and Dan gets back from school later than them. They're on the sofa and they turn around when the front door closes, greeting Dan as he takes off his shoes. He doesn't answer, though, just keeps his head down and then rushes upstairs, slams his bedroom door. Greg and Phil look at each other in astonishment.

Greg gets up the sofa and quickly follows after Dan without a word, a concerned look on his face. Phil lets him go, figures it's more appropriate for him to wait here, even though he's also worried - Dan never acted like that before.

After a few minutes spent in silence, he tries to distract himself with his phone. It's a bit useless, though, doesn't take his mind off it at all, especially as he waits even longer, for about a quarter until he gives into his curiousness and discreetly goes upstairs, too, and waits for a second outside Dan's door. He can only hear quiet voices, nothing special, so he knocks before carefully opening the door.

They're sat on Dan's bed, Greg with an arm around Dan, an angry frown on his face as he looks up at Phil, though Dan keeps his face down still.

"Uh, sorry, I -" Phil splutters, "I was just - worried. So. Yeah."

Dan looks up at that, and Phil's heart misses a beat when he can see that his lip is split, a bit bloody. _The fuck happened to him?_

"Oh. Should I get out? Sorry, I - what happened? Can I know?" Phil grimaces with how awkward he's being, but Dan gives him a forced smile and lightly nods at him, so he gets closer, sits on Dan's office chair in front of them.

He keeps subconsciously eyeing Dan's lip, until he speaks up with an ironic chuckle, "I got punched. If - if that wasn't obvious yet."

Even from where he sits, Phil can see Greg gritting his teeth together.

"Who the fuck did this to you?" is Phil's impulsive answer, already getting Greg's anger.

"Just-" Dan shrugs, looking down at his twisting hands. "Friends."

Greg scoffs at that, shaking his head.

"People who were supposed to be your friends." Phil reformulates, giving Dan a sad smile.

He shrugs again, nodding a bit. "They - I don't know. They got mad at something stupid. They thought - uh."

At Dan's hesitance, Greg takes over, frustration pouring out of his every word. "They were _three_. They all pushed him around, and one punched him. Called him a _fag_. Because they thought Dan was _flirting with one of them_."

"What the hell?" Phil's eyebrows shoot up in disbelief, before he frowns, too.

"I wasn't, though." Dan tells them, looking at them in turn, almost desperately. "I really wasn't."

"Yeah, Dan." Greg nods, squeezing his shoulder. "We're not going to doubt that."

"No." Phil confirms and shakes his head, incredulous. "Even if you were - it shouldn't get you punched."

"Especially by _friends_." Greg adds and cringes at the word. "That's so fucking _wrong_ , Dan. Immature, and fucking uneducated."

Again, Dan only shrugs. It's almost as if he'd be able to forgive them, to _understand_ them, even, and - shit. Phil can't stand the thought of it. Nothing should ever justify that, and no one should ever punch someone like Dan. The fuck.

"Dan, look at me." Greg says, quiet and serious, and he stares right at Dan when he states, "You're not responsible for that. They're stupid little assholes, hear me? Give me their names."

Phil cringes. That's probably not the best idea ever, but he honestly wouldn't stop him. Not that once.

"Wha- _no_ , Greg." Dan shakes his head, almost in panic. "No way."

"Why the hell not? I'll just talk to them."

Dan scoffs, rolls his eyes. "Right."

Phil snorts, admittedly amused by the idea. Greg discreetly smirks at him, before looking back at Dan, "C'mon. I want names."

" _No_!" Dan protests, lightly pushing Greg on the chest, "You don't even know the whole thing."

"I know enough." Greg quirks an eyebrow at him, and Phil hums in agreement.

"Maybe you don't." Dan says before looking down again. "Maybe they had a reason to do that."

"There's no justification for punching someone in the face because you think they're hitting on you." Phil says, and couldn't be more serious about it.

Greg nods, frown back in place. "Dan, what are you even saying?"

"Just- a few days back, I told them-" he stops, breathes in shakily. "Told them something, and - yeah. I shouldn't have-"

He chokes on his words then, starts crying, and Greg hurriedly gets a hand on his back, giving him all his attention. "What? What is it?"

"It was stupid. So _stupid_." Dan cries, brushing his tears away. "I shouldn't have said it, should have just - not - fuck."

They wait for a few seconds as Dan sobs a bit, Greg rubbing his back, Phil's heart in his own throat. Then it's like Dan forces himself to just let it all out, and he says,

"I told them I'm gay."

And - _oh_. That's new. Unexpected. Greg's expression morphs into one of surprise, but he stays right where he is, just like Phil who - who just, doesn't really know how to react, is just a bit breathless with surprise.

"Are you?" Greg asks, like he just wants to be sure.

"Yes." Dan confirms and still doesn't look up, just tries to regulate his breathing and keeps sniffling, tears going down his cheeks. "They didn't really react, and I thought - I thought they'd be okay with it. But today I told James we should go see the new Marvel together, and - yeah. I was so _dumb_."

"No, you weren't." Greg sighs, properly taking Dan into his arms.

"I'm sorry." Dan whispers, and Greg pauses, backs off to look at him.

"What for?" he asks suspiciously.

Dan shrugs, but they all understand what it's about. Greg immediately rushes to say, "Dan, no. Don't you be sorry for being gay. Ever. Nothing wrong with that - just something wrong with homophobes."

Dan doesn't say anything, but he sends a worried look towards Phil before looking the other way.

"You shouldn't judge someone for something they can't change about themselves, is what I always say." Phil simply comments, giving Dan an encouraging smile, which he reciprocates, before rushing back into Greg's embrace.

They all stay silent for a while, Dan and Greg hugging, Dan slowly calming down and Phil trying to keep his heart from beating so fast. It's not that bad, it's just - Phil's bisexuality is still a secret that he kept only to himself, didn't even confess to Greg, even though he's always known that Greg isn't homophobic at all. And now it's, well. He's not sure. He can't really make sense of what just happened, though he _knows_  it's not that crazy. It's just a thing. Just facts.

He almost feels changed from it, but it's - fine, really, just. Normal.

It does make him question himself about maybe coming out to them, but he figures now isn't the right time. Dan doesn't need that, anyway. Dan needs support, attention, and mostly he needs to be reassured. So both Greg and Phil make sure he gets all of this that night, until he's smiling and laughing again, and realizing how none of this was his fault, and Phil tries to focus on that and only that.

When they get back to Greg's room for the night, after a long hug that Dan and Greg share, Phil's taken by surprise when Dan stops him and hugs him, too; gives him a quick embrace before stepping back and smiling up at him shyly.

Phil just returns the smile, ruffles his hair and pretends he doesn't feel like he's going crazy, even when Dan quietly complains and takes Phil's hand into his own to push it away and Phil's heart does something weird and - yeah.

They go to bed, quiet and deep in thoughts, and Phil obviously falls asleep as easily as always. Of course he does. Without any trouble. Because it's all fine.

 

 

 

 

So that's the shift, Phil reckons. But it's all fine, really - all good.

 _Easy_.


	3. you give me something that makes me scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it gets worse (worse = better for yall(and me))
> 
> (chapter title from james morrison - you give me something)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy i'm a few days late but it's pretty much two weeks anyway so that's pretty good considering... well considering who i am as a person lmao
> 
> and things happen in this one so it should compensate :))) hope you enjoy! x
> 
> warnings for that chapter: underage drinking (though it's not descriptive)

It's not _weird_. It's really not. It's just, like - a bit different, but. Well.

Well.

Maybe it _is_ kind of weird.

He keeps getting struck by sudden feelings of panic or nervosity, all because of Dan. It's not that it's his fault, because it's really not. But Phil has become hyper aware of what Dan sometimes does, or says - or basically, he's become hyper aware of Dan. His heart will skip a beat if he catches Dan staring at him, or if Dan gets curious about his tattoos, his music interests, his opinions on the shows they watch. Suddenly it's like Phil can't help wondering if maybe - maybe - um. You know, just - yeah.

And he feels super guilty about it, because he really shouldn't think like that. In his moments of panic he even goes as far as wondering if somehow he's being homophobic, if he's reacting like Dan's friends did, by wondering if something could be going on here just because he now knows that Dan's gay. It's so stupid, _he'_ s being so stupid. He never thought of that before, and when his thoughts are clearer he actually understands himself, that this is pretty much natural because suddenly it enlarged all options here, like. It's just _possible_. It's an eventuality. It's not that it is happening or that it's going to happen - it just became something that, _in theory_ , could happen (he's not sure what the 'something' really means but he tries not to reflect on that too much).

 _In theory_ , Dan's gay and Phil's a guy, so - yeah. That's it. That's exactly, absolutely, the sole reason why he's so hyper aware of it all.

Okay, so maybe there's also the fact that Phil, too, is bisexual, and so it's kind of - well, cool or something, that someone quite close to him reveals they're also LGBT. And that they're also someone super nice and pretty cute, but. That's something else. It's something that goes with how Phil never really got to have a serious, stable relationship, and only had a few girlfriends in the past and now can't even seem to socialize enough for it to possibly happen. He's not even interested in anyone, hasn't been for a long time. He doesn't care, doesn't want it - most of the time. He's not very good at it and it's been a long time since someone really caught his attention.

But it all makes him wonder if maybe - well, maybe it could be something great. You know, with the right person. It's supposed to be nice, so yeah, just. It makes him curious, gives him some thoughts that he immediately panics over and tries to restrain and fails to do so. Fuck it. This is weird. Phil's being weird and he's freaking out way too much lately over things that never freaked him out before and _fuck it_.

He starts noticing things he really shouldn't be noticing - like the fact that Dan's a bit chubby, that it's cute and actually nice when he wears tight shirts that show off his small love handles. Or the fact that Dan's mixed emo-pastel style really fits him and keeps getting better as Dan perfects it. He also pays too much attention when Dan blushes or smiles brightly at him, and gets lost in his own thoughts every time Dan touches him, even if it's just their fingers brushing together when one passes a controller to the other.

Not to mention how much he likes Dan just as a person. He's a kid, one he didn't even notice has grown up a lot since they first met, a kid with flaws but just so, so endearing - sensitive, compassionate and open-minded; some part of him already an adult and the other still in awe of the simplest things. Some part of him is quiet, hurt and guarded, that one likes to wear dark clothes; the other is hopeful and strong, and into cute pastel clothes. Dan isn't just anyone, is what Phil often thinks. He's not a square, someone who's decided they were always a certain way and can't drift away from that, stuck in a scheme that has no flaws or deviation or secret passage to an entire new scheme. Dan's in that scheme, the one that isn't finite and probably couldn't even be described, in constant progress, contradiction and variation.

It's dumb, no matter what. He's behaving in such a cliché way, and he hates it. It's not like he actually _likes_ -likes Dan either, or genuinely is hoping for something, but. Something has shifted, and now those weird thoughts; that crazy _possibility_ is making him restless.

When you start questioning yourself about something that's logically probable, it doesn't leave your mind as easily as it entered, Phil learns.

 

 

 

 

 

For some time he feels a bit more at peace. The thoughts don't actually go away, but half of the time he's able not to pay them too much attention and it allows him to believe that this was just a stupid little phase where he got paranoid over his very own feelings when there actually wasn't anything real here.

The other half of the time, though, he feels it all too much and ends up being pretty sure that there _is_ something there, something that he won't be able to ignore for much longer.

And he's probably right, as he soon finds out.

Dan gains confidence, both in his personality and his looks, and it shows. He talks to Phil easily and they share some moments with interesting conversations, and Dan often teases him and Phil teases back - sometimes it feels a bit suspicious, though he couldn't really explain why, but Phil's being cautious in case he's just influenced by his own thoughts. Dan also wears pretty, flattering clothes that Phil tries really hard not to pay attention to. He has no problem telling Greg and Phil when he finds a guy attractive, though usually it's mostly just celebrities (when it's not it makes Phil's stomach go a bit too tight, but, well - that's once again a thing he ignores).

So. It obviously sounds great, like, a very positive thing - and it _is_ , really, it's so nice to see him like that.

But the thing is - there's a girl at uni, Olivia, who he kind of made friends with. She's nice, with a cool grunge look and rebellious mind, and she's the one who first talks to Phil and well, with time they get to know each other and they really get along. The thing is, Greg sees her a few times only and starts teasing him about how obvious it is that she's into him, and like - it's flattering, really, because Olivia's attractive and smart and all, but. He's not into her. He just sees her as a friend and he's not even able to pick up on any flirting on her part, unlike Greg, so he denies it every time. It actually makes him a bit nervous.

Greg mentions her in front of Dan a few times, and Phil hurriedly denies all feelings for her, or Olivia's for him, all under Dan's careful eyes and closed mouth. He's even more on edge from Dan's presence during conversations about her (though he shouldn't be, because.. yeah).

One Saturday evening, they're all having dinner together on the terrace because it's a hot day and Joyce (Greg and Dan's mum) is making a barbecue. Phil's just in the process of cutting his sausage into pieces, Greg and Joyce by the barbecue a bit farther and Dan sat in front of him, when his phone starts ringing. He rushes to refuse the call as soon as he sees it's Olivia, though it's only on a knee-jerk reaction. Dan eyes him a bit warily.

"Someone you don't want to talk to?" he asks, trying to sound nonchalant though he's obviously curious.

"Uh, yeah. No." Phil blushes in embarrassment, because shit, that was very stupid and unjustified. "It's just Olivia, but, y'know. I can't answer right now."

Dan looks up, raises an eyebrow. "I mean, you could. No one would care."

"I guess. It just wouldn't be really polite, I feel."

Dan just hums at that, and for a few seconds they just sit there in silence and get back to their plates, Phil trying to regulate his heartbeats from the sudden, unexpected moment of panic. He gets a text from Olivia, telling him she just wanted to know if they could hang out, and Phil apologizes, tells her he's at Greg's. When he puts his phone back on the table, he can feel Dan staring at him. He tries to act like he doesn't notice, and wishes Greg and Joyce would just come back to the table now.

"Is she still into you?" is what Dan asks, suddenly, and Phil tries not to choke on his food. That is _not_ a thing he and Dan ever talked about before. When Phil looks up, Dan immediately lowers his eyes to his plate. Eh. Weird.

 "Uh - I mean - I'm not sure she ever actually was?" he phrases it as a question, pretty unsure of where this is going.

Dan rolls his eyes at him then, and Phil almost blushes from it. "C'mon. From what I heard Greg say, it's quite obvious she was."

"Well." Phil clears his throat, looks down at his plate. "She doesn't act differently. Maybe just texts me a bit more often than before, I guess."

"So she's still into you." Dan smirks, arching an eyebrow as if daring Phil to say otherwise.

The thought of it is still making Phil nervous, so he splutters through his words, "I - I don't think - probably not, 'cause. You know."

"I know what?"

"You know, I'm. Probably not her type."

Dan frowns like he's confused then. "Why wouldn't you be? You're like, both cool and nice weirdos."

"Yeah, but." Phil shrugs, "I don't know. There are so much better guys out there."

"There also are so much worse guys. Like, a _whole_ fucking lot of them." Dan states, looking serious as all hell.

Phil looks up at him, gives him a shy smile - and feels stupid. Phil's 20, _he_ should be reassuring an almost-17 years old on this. Of course, he ignores the way his stomach just flipped from that single sentence, simply answers, "I guess. Thanks."

"Seriously, it's very likely she likes you. You're great." Dan says, and gives him a little look that makes Phil's blood rush to his cheeks from how coy it is - almost seductive, somehow, though it's probably just his brain interpreting things wrong, because - the fuck. "Also, tattooed guys are super hot."

And shit. It got worse. He could as well just have got the wind knocked out of him. That's, like, such a strange combination of a seemingly innocent comment with an absolutely not innocent feeling to it.

"Uh, I - thanks, that's. Thank you." he struggles to reply, barely able to understand what's happening, probably looking as ridiculously red as a tomato. Though tomatoes aren't actually ridiculous, but - Phil looking like one probably is. Y'know. "But, um. I don't like her like that anyway, so. Whatever, I guess."

"Ah." Dan says, shrugs but appears like he couldn't care less, actually has a discreetly satisfied little look, "Shame. Guess she'll just have to get over it."

He stands up, then, smiles at him like nothing happened and goes over where Greg and Joyce still are around the barbecue.

Only then does he notice that Dan's wearing shorts - baby blue shorts that aren't _that_ short but still only get mid-thigh and are tight enough that the hem of it dig a bit into his thighs, and they make Phil's head spin in only a second. He doesn't even realize he's staring very intently at Dan's ass until he throws him a look over his shoulder, and Phil looks down so quickly that he almost hurts his neck.

Shame fills him instantly, but still. It doesn't stop the sudden sort-of-arousal, nor does it stop his thoughts.

_That's a really, really nice arse, and these are very, very lovely thighs, and - fuck._

When they all get back to the table he tries to act like everything's absolutely fine, but he still feels like his face is on fire, and he can't look Dan in the eye all evening. Not even once.

It's almost like a new kind of tension appeared between them.

Fuck.

Phil's absolutely fucked.

 

 

 

 

 

There _is_ a new tension between them. At first, it's not so bad - it's just much more eye contact which seem to mean something Phil still doesn't understand, and silences that feel like they're both restraining themselves from doing or saying god knows what. It's also moments that fill Phil with adrenaline and shame; moments where one of them catches the other staring, and it's worse when it's Phil getting caught as he's  _accidentally_ staring at some part of Dan's body.

But once again, it gets worse.

Dan turns seventeen. It's on a Tuesday so Phil wishes him a happy birthday via Facebook, and Dan thanks him cheerfully. The thing is, that Saturday when Phil's over, Dan goes out to celebrate his birthday; apparently just to hang out with some friends and maybe go to the cinema or something. Of course, it's not the problem. The problem comes later.

Well, first it begins when Dan enters Greg's bedroom to announce he's going and Phil almost chokes on his own spit when he sees him, clad in tight black jeans and a fucking black _crop top_ with a big skull printing on it. His tummy is exposed, a bit chubby but soft-looking and just - super cute.

And super hot.

Fuck, he's smoking hot like that, is what he is.

He gulps helplessly before realizing Dan's throwing him little looks that feel almost teasing, all while telling Greg he'll have to come get him later in the evening, and Greg agrees easily, tells him to have fun and then Dan's out.

Still, it takes Phil a few minutes before he's able to get the image of Dan in that crop top out of his mind, and even then, it creeps back from time to time during the evening, making him feel incredibly guilty with how Greg is just next to him and Phil's thoughts are about his little brother, and yeah - this is fucked up.

The actual problem about that night, though, is when Greg and Joyce start worrying as night begins to fall and Dan still hasn't asked Greg to come pick him up. Greg texts him, but Dan asks for more time, so Joyce says he has until midnight, which Greg frowns at but tells Dan anyway. Admittedly, Phil understands Greg's worry. Dan's a teenager - needing so much time to go to the cinema and stuff is a bit much, and. Well. Suspicious.

"He's not a baby anymore, Greg." Joyce tells him sweetly, sensing his disapproval, "I know how it feels, but soon he'll be an adult and he'll be free to make his own decisions, so-"

"Yeah, but that's the thing. He's not an adult yet." Greg replies, frown still in place. "He's not even allowed to drink."

"Well, we didn't give him permission to drink."

Greg rolls his eyes. "Seriously, what do you think he's going to do until midnight, out with friends?"

Phil cringes. He can't help but feel like Greg's right.

"Dan doesn't drink." is what Joyce affirms, though it sounds a bit weak.

"I guess we'll see about that." Greg says, walking away.

Phil follows after him, sending an apologetic smile to Joyce.

"Tell me when you go pick him up." Joyce calls after Greg, and he doesn't answer.

Greg's right, though. When Greg calls Dan at midnight to know where he is, he sounds all over the place, giggling as he tells him he's at a bar in town - he's drunk, and Greg is immediately mad, throwing a jacket on as he asks Phil to come with him. They get going, Greg obviously tensed and driving a bit too fast, and when they arrive Dan's in front of the bar, laughing with a little group of girls and guys that all seem to be around his age, except for a guy who looks more like he's Greg and Phil's age, and who's eyeing Dan very intently. Phil's insides twist. In just a second, he's filled with unjustified jealousy.

Greg apparently hasn't noticed though, going straight towards Dan and telling him to get in the car. Dan doesn't react to Greg's behaviour, just gives all his friends a quick hug while stumbling just a bit and smiling brightly, and obviously Phil doesn't miss how the older guy places his hand on Dan's bare waist when it's his turn.

When Dan spots him he smiles, a bit too mischievously as he makes sure to greet him with a hand on Phil's chest. As if they hadn't seen each other already. Fuck. Someone calm Phil's heart.

Dan sits in the back-seat and stays pretty silent as Greg lectures him all through the ride about drinking and going to a bar without even telling anyone - Dan retorts that no one would have let him do it if he had said it, and Phil represses a small smile at that.

When they get back in the house, Dan still has a smile on his face, apparently unconcerned by his brother's anger. He manages to hide it when it's Joyce's turn to scold him, though he tries to reassure her by telling her he's okay and everything went just fine. It doesn't work, which was to expect. Greg ends up shaking his head, exasperated.

"I fucking told you." Greg tells his mom, getting rude with irritation.

Immediately, Joyce gives him a disbelieving stare. "Okay. We need to have a talk. You follow me, young man."

He rolls his eyes, but follows her to the kitchen anyway, and then it's just Dan and Phil left alone in the living room. Willing himself to act normal, Phil sits on the sofa with a sigh, and follows Dan's movements as he sits down, too. Also, he definitely doesn't stare at his tummy as Dan gets comfortable and basically lies down, eyes closed; and he grips nervously at his thighs when he suddenly feels like touching him, itching to get a hand on his tummy, and on his waist, where that dumbass put his hand earlier.

Looking away, he says, quietly as if to let Dan relax, "You really shouldn't have drank."

"Yeah." Dan hums, a little grin on his lips. "I know. But 't'was fun."

He's still quite drunk, that much is obvious, but still, Phil can't help but smile a bit. He looks fondly at him, taking advantage of Dan's still closed eyes to admire his features; his long lashes, cute nose and pretty, pink mouth; his face so beautiful and expression so careless and Phil almost reaches out to brush away the little strands of hair that fall into his eyes, but stops himself.

"You could have gotten in trouble, though. Or worse, hurt. Just wait one more year and you'll be free to do anything you want."

Dan's eyes open, and Phil is helplessly drawn by how dark they look, "Anything?" he repeats, impassive.

Phil swallows, breathes out, "I guess. As long as you're sensible."

Dan stares at him for a few seconds, eyes going down his form and then up at his face again, smirking. Again, Phil's hands clench around his own knees, desperately trying to look calm.

"You're, like, really hot." Dan says then, and Phil must look pretty funny with how wide his eyes go; his heart getting fucking wild and mind almost dizzy. Fuck, fuck - what?

He's not even able to voice any thought or protest before Dan's sitting up, leaning his face on the back of the couch as he reaches to Phil and slowly, very lightly, begins touching Phil's arm - his bicep, actually, right where his tattoos begin. Breath stuck in his throat, he watches as Dan traces the small dragon there, with only two gentle fingers, giving Phil goosebumps as he follows the lines, to all the flowers and symbols and colours down his arm. He progressively adds more pressure until he gets to Phil's wrist, stopping there, looking up at him and almost giving his hand a squeeze, right as they hear a door open and Dan takes his hand off.

They lean away from each other as Greg and Joyce re-enter the room, and before anyone can say anything, Dan is quickly saying, very articulate, "I'm gonna lay down, cause I'm, like - yeah."

He helps himself get up by a discreet hand on Phil's thigh, and stumbles lightly through his steps before Joyce sighs and makes sure he's able to go upstairs without hurting himself.

Greg and Phil follow upstairs, to Greg's room, and Phil has to pretend none of this just happened, has to pretend Dan didn't literally tell him he's hot and touched him in such a pretty, almost sensual way. He can only calm down and listen to Greg rant about Dan's stupidity and Joyce's attempts at telling him he should be careful of how protective he is of Dan. He just wills himself to forget Dan's touch; his eyes, his body just next to him, his gentle fingers and the sort-of-arousal that had filled him again and froze him into place, in awe.

Through Greg's rant, though, his brain picks up on a sentence and it echoes through his head just as much as Dan's touch does. _He's underage, he can't just go to a bar and drink like that_.

 _He's underage_.

Fuck. Dan's underage, and he's always on Phil's mind lately, so hot and pretty and - and he's _so very much_ underage and he's _so_ Greg's little brother, and. Shit.

Where the fuck is this even going?


	4. are you shining just for me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> summer brings out weird feelings and tensions
> 
> (chapter title from lalaland - city of stars)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeeey it's me
> 
> a couple days late again but i'm quite prouf of myself cause it's actually not that late so yep
> 
> anyways, enjoy a teasing dan and remember to let me know what you thought pls :)
> 
> hope you'll like it xx
> 
> warnings for this chapter: mentioned masturbation, overall sexual tension

Summer is... complicated, to say the least. It's both in an emotional, _and_ physical way.

Because, well. You can probably guess why.

He's beginning to think that maybe - _maybe_ \- he's somehow, just a bit, crushing really hard on Dan. Like, just a tiny bit. It's a little something that can, and will, go away very very soon, and very very easily. Because there's no way this can go on.

There's no way Dan can keep making his heart beat so wildly at the smallest things. There's no way he can keep taking his breath away with just an outfit or a touch or a, a  _bending over_ sort of thing. No way. This is too much. And too fucking forbidden. He catches himself thinking about it all too often - so very often, he thinks about Dan, about what he's feeling, what he's seeing, what's fucking with his head. It's never-ending.

It's a never-ending thought process - Dan, why, how, oh shit, fuck he's so, so not someone you should be thinking about like that and - yeah. Sometimes he really wishes he could pause his brain.

And, well, summer makes it all the more complicated by - by it being summer. It's usually hot. Some days freakishly hot, even. Not to mention that none of them have class, so it makes it all the more convenient for Phil to be at Greg's quite frequently, and quite frequently be gifted with the presence of a lightly dressed Dan, all pretty and colourful, in short clothes that expose his thighs, arms, even _tummy_ , and he's looking downright hot at times - in both senses of the term.

That's the physical way. He sees so much of Dan's skin in only a month, and really it becomes pretty difficult not to react to it, even if the way he wants to react to it is by, like, pretty much just waiting until he's home, alone in bed, and jerking off. But really, it only is an urge. It never actually happened. He can't let himself wank to thoughts of his best friend's little brother - that would just be disrespectful.

Right? Right. Even if said little brother is just too pretty for his own good, and his thighs are just too deliciously thick, his clothes too flattering and his lips just too teasing - so often wrapped around ice lollies lately, so often smirking at him after sucking on it in ways that should be illegal, mouth getting red, covered in juice, as he keeps sucking noisily and sliding his lips up the length of it while giving him innocent, but intense glares and - yeah.

It's getting difficult. But he resists it, resists the need to just give up, to slide his hand down his pants and tug and stroke to the memories until he can  _fucking get it out of his system_. He's not even sure it would stop it all, thought - highly doubts it, actually. So really, it's not worth it.

 

Admittedly, when he does wank - without any ulterior motive other than getting himself off - he actually doesn't really know how to control his thoughts once he nears his climax.

Admittedly, he's fucking weak. It's always the first thing he tells himself, sighing as he eyes the drops of cum on his stomach and his stupid, stupid _weak_ hand still around his own _stupid_ , even weaker cock.

He's so fucked.

 

 

 

 

 

It gets to the point where he becomes paranoid. Both when it comes to whether Greg has picked up on everything, and whether Dan is doing all these things on purpose.

Greg's not actually acting any different, so most of the time it doesn't seem like he did, but sometimes he sees Dan and Phil's interactions, or Dan's actions and Phil's reactions, and Phil can't help but wonder how the hell he could not be seeing anything. It feels so obvious, like they're so obvious - and it's with these thoughts that he first realizes how it has actually become a thing. Like, it's an _actual thing_. Dan and him. There's a tension of some kind, the kind where they both know it's happening but keeping it silent, the kind where they have a relationship of their own, in which many things feel like - like a lot.

And yeah, Phil still doesn't know how to make sense of his thoughts and feelings, but, for his defence, he's got a 17 years old messing with his head 24/7. So, there's that.

Mostly, though, it's the Dan acting on purpose thing that feels the more probable.

Because it's not only the ice lollies stuff. It's, well - it's also the ice creams. And the strawberries, as well as a few lollipops. Hell, one time it's even _a fucking sausage._ It's not even hot or actually attractive, since sausages just generally look pretty gross - and still it makes Phil blush like a fucking teenager as he avoids Dan's gaze.

But it's also all those times he bends over, almost always facing away from Phil, his ass on display as it makes Phil gulp and gets his eyes helplessly drawn to it - such a nice, perky thing always clad in tight, _tight_ fabric, and always making Phil nervously hide his crotch with his forearms. Just in case.

It's Dan getting out of the shower in a towel, stopping by Greg's room to ask if he can join them at Mario Kart afterwards, and smiling brightly at Phil as he continues his way to his room, Phil flushing and trying to get his head back into the game - after a few seconds of letting his character drive out of the path.

It's him toying with his choker like it's nothing, accidentally bumping his own feet into Phil's beneath the table, eyeing his tattoos before looking up at him as he sips at some drink, impassive but without a doubt remembering that night he drunkenly traced all of them.

Not to mention all the times he listens so intently at Phil when he's talking, when they're sharing opinions and memories, and the way they laugh together, sometimes even with Greg's confused eyes on them when he doesn't get the joke and calls them weirdos. It always makes them smile brightly at each other, before one of them looks away like they suddenly remembered to be careful with all of this - predictably, it's usually Phil.

So really, it's a lot to take in. And it's so much that, yeah, he can't help but feel like this is all on purpose. He doesn't even doubt it as it happens, only doubting it once he thinks back on it. Because, seriously, would Dan _actually_ have a crush on him? On Phil? His brother's best friend? 20 years old, punk loser Phil?

(It does sound like a crush Dan could have. But, well. Phil's not about to dwell on that.)

 

 

 

 

 

Greg and Phil go on a vacation then, and for the first time in weeks, Phil actually relaxes. They go to the nearest beach, just the two of them, with some of their economies, their very own licenses and Greg's car, and they pay for a camping spot and that's it. There they are, at the beach for a week, just because they wanted to and they could. Admittedly, they can't just do everything they'd like to, as it always comes to a certain price and they can't afford much of it, but they use as little money as they can and just enjoy their time together.

It's nice to spend time away from everything with him. It's a weird reminder as to why they've been best friends for so long; everything's just so easy when they're together. There's nothing to worry about, no doubt or restraint - just laughs and long conversations, lots of banter and swimming, dunking each other and competing like teenagers. Admittedly, they usually don't feel like adults.

So it's great, even when all they do is lie down on the beach, put on some music and let time go by, staying silent and peaceful.

 

Sometimes, he even manages not to think about Dan. Sometimes - when Phil's playlist doesn't play a song that he has thanks to Dan, when Greg doesn't mention him, when they don't talk about things that happened these last few months, and when his voice and eyes and mouth don't just pop into his mind unexpectedly. Just - yeah.

It's easier than usual, at least.

 

Greg loses his phone the day before they have to go back home. They search for it in the last places they went to, but they find nothing. Greg gets super mad, which Phil can easily understand, but he calms down when Phil tells him he's got one back home that he can give him, as he had stopped using it because he had gotten a better one for Christmas a few years ago. He'll just have to get a new SIM card.

Still, it doesn't change the fact that Greg uses Phil's phone to inform Joyce and Dan of their drive back home. It doesn't change the fact that once they're back, Phil lends Greg his old phone and realizes he now has Dan's number. In his own phone. And Dan has his.

And, yeah, it probably shouldn't feel that much more different from having him on Facebook, but it does. It makes him feel weirdly nervous. Fortunately, he mostly forgets about it a few days later - they have no reason to text each other anyway, so it's fine.

 

 

 

 

 

So it's peace for about a week or two. But of course, it's short-lived. Phil returns to Greg's a Friday night when Dan still has class, so it's all nice and stuff, both of them sat on Greg's floor looking through their music albums to sort them - as they've really got a shit-ton of them - until Dan gets back from class.

He just suddenly bursts through the door with no warning, making both Greg and Phil jump in surprise, Greg cursing at Dan as he giggles and throws himself on the bed, to lie on his side and look down at them.

"Hey." he smiles at them like that's a fucking normal way to enter a room, "Guess who got an A today?"

Greg quirks an eyebrow, shakes his head with a smile, "That's the reason you're almost giving us a heart-attack?"

Dan shrugs, smirks, "Yeah. 'Cause that's, like, fucking awesome?"

And well, it is. Really, great for him. They make sure to tell him that, but - Phil can't really do much more than congratulate him right now, because his mind's gone. Again.

Apparently, Dan went for quite the outfit today. His shirt is large, a big, white thing that almost hangs off his shoulder with the way he's propped himself up on one side, and it's tucked into blue jeans. But they're, like, thoroughly ripped jeans - the holes are so damn big it shows his knees, half of his thighs and then some more. _And_ beneath those, he's got black freaking _fishnets_ on.

So he's basically just been gifted with the sight of Dan's thighs, looking fabulously thick with the tight fishnet fabric on, and the bonus cuteness that shirt gives him, all at eye level, in about, like, five seconds tops.

(Eyeing Dan's pair of Doc Martens, he subtly looks at his and Greg's, and can't help thinking that all three of them really are a fucking walking cliché.)

"You went to school dressed like that?" Greg asks then, sounding a bit disbelieving, and Phil's surprised at the question but also feels like, fuck, yeah. It should be fucking illegal for him to dress like that.

Of course, he doesn't actually think that at all. Dan's totally entitled to wearing what the fuck he wants to, whenever and wherever, but. You know the feeling.

"I mean -", Dan just shrugs, though, looks down at himself for a second, unfazed. "Yeah."

Then Greg makes a face like he's impressed, nodding to himself, and says, "Nice."

The smile Dan gives at that is fucking priceless, like he's so proud of himself for getting even his brother's approval. Greg's back to his albums so he's not looking when Dan asks, "Yeah?" and then gives Phil a look, as if subtly asking him for his opinion, too.

So of course, Greg hums and tells him easily, "Yep. Looks cool."

And Phil, a bit helplessly, just discreetly nods at him, fighting down his embarrassment in favour of reassuring Dan, and then proceeds to almost fucking die as Dan smiles shyly, blushing from the silent compliment. It must have been weeks since Dan's been the one blushing and getting hesitant. And honestly, it feels great to actually see he's not the only one going through that.

It's also just super lovely.

"By the way," Dan starts, looking down at the sheets in what seems like mock-innocence, "There's something I wanna do. Like, soon."

"Hm?" Greg's still looking down at his albums, though he's beginning to frown suspiciously.

"I want a piercing."

At that, both Greg and Phil suddenly look up at him, eyes wide. Dan fights down a smile at their reaction - so extra.

"Where?" is Greg's first question, almost as if daring Dan to suggest something he wouldn't approve of.

Dan has a tiny, discreet smirk then, as he says, "On the tongue."

_Oh, fuck no._

Greg scoffs at him, shaking his head, "No fucking way."

"What do you mean 'no fucking way'?" Dan frowns, immediately sitting up, affronted. "Why the hell not?"

"Because I'm telling you no. There's no way in hell you're getting a tongue piercing, Dan, what the fuck?" he asks indignantly.

"You've got tons!" he almost shouts then, high-pitched, and Phil winces as he fears an upcoming brother fight, though he's not sure which side he'd take if asked to. He's a bit too busy trying not to picture it -

"That's different!" Greg's tone increases, too, "First things first, I'm an adult. You're not."

\- a tiny ball of metal right on Dan's red tongue -

"I'll be eighteen next year, why does it matter? And I just have to get Mom's agreement, if I want it now."

\- looking all pretty and suggestive as soon as he'd teasingly get his tongue out.

Just.

 _Fuck_.

"She won't agree." Greg says, "Not to a _tongue_ piercing."

"Why is that so important, though?" Dan tries to appear casual - though he's not fooling any of them.

"C'mon, you know why." Greg protests, rolling his eyes at him. "It's too - everyone knows what it suggests, what lots of people get it for-"

Dan suddenly snorts at that, and really, Phil can't help but hide a smile of his own - Dan's _such_ a teenager, sometimes. Always messing with his brother, and apparently still laughing about sex stuff.

"Stop laughing, I'm being serious!" cross, Greg tries to scold him, but Dan keeps smiling.

"As am I. I'll just wait 'til I'm eighteen, then. Much easier."

"Dan. Everyone will think that you're - that it's for - oh, fuck!" is Greg's next protest, his face showing disgust at his own thoughts, and both Dan and Phil giggle at that, "Please, just don't."

"Oh, don't be like that. It's fine, you'll get used to it." he states, waving a hand at him, and after a small pause, he shrugs, "I mean, I _am_ gay, so-"

"That's not the point, oh my god!" Greg looks scandalized then, as Phil just hides in his hands, wondering how the fuck that conversation even came to be, "Don't you suggest any, like - sexual things about you, ever. _Ew_."

Through his giggles, Dan manages to calm down and say, "Alright, fine. Sorry."

"Thanks!" Greg ironically responds, and for a few seconds it's calm again, though both Dan and Phil keep smiling at Greg's distraught face - until Dan speaks up again.

"Though you'll probably have to prepare yourself to the idea of me actually having a boyfriend one day."

Greg looks up threateningly. "Dan."

"And, you know. Things happen in those cases, that you can't just stop-"

The ending of his sentence is lost in a loud cry as Greg pounces on him, catching his wrists so that he has free access to Dan's stomach, which he decidedly tickles like he'd do to a kid, and it doesn't fail to make Dan laugh hysterically, trying to get away. Greg's trying to keep a serious face, but he ends it seconds later with a chuckle of his own, sitting back up and eyeing a still-giggling Dan, who stares at him warily.

Greg gets back down before he tells him, "I'm not trying to stop you, just - you're still too young. It's not easy for me."

"I'm young, but I'm not a kid, Greg." Dan tells him nicely, lying on his stomach and resting his head in crossed arms as he stares down at them both.

Greg looks up, smiles at him with evident emotion, a bit of sadness there as he simply replies, "I know."

Dan answers him with a tiny, emotional smile of his own, rolling his eyes but still looking soft, endeared by his brother's quiet display of affection. Looking at them both, Phil can't help but feel emotional himself. Their relationship really is so damn strong and sweet.

"You guys." he sighs, though he's smiling softly as he shakes his head a bit.

Greg chuckles helplessly, replies, "Sorry about that."

But Phil tells him it's fine. Of course it is. Actually, he likes seeing moments like these - it makes him feel warm, so caught up in all that love and that laughter.

It makes him feel even warmer when he looks up at Dan, eyes trailing up his legs, to the curve of his spine that shows off his nice, cute ass, to _his eyes on him_ , so intense; both knowing and full of feelings, still. Pretty much the same fondness he showed for his brother, but also different in ways Phil can't understand, won't bring himself to understand, as it's so much - _too much_ to even consider.

Once again, he's the one reduced to a blushing mess, playing with his snakebites as he looks back down, helpless, and fumbles awkwardly with the album in his hands.

As he goes to put it in the plastic bag they got for the ones they're not keeping, Dan's hand flies to his, stopping him.

"You're not keeping it?" he asks, and Phil shakes his head dumbly, overwhelmed by the mere contact of Dan's hand on his own, "Can I have it?"

Clearing his throat, Phil doesn't hesitate, "Yeah, of course."

So Dan takes it, an old album of some unknown metal band, observes it for a second before smiling softly, voice quiet as he thanks him. Still a bit dumbfounded by the exchange, Phil grins, too, unable to stop himself from admiring his features, at least for a few seconds, at least while both Dan and Greg are too busy to notice him being in awe of that stunning, endearing, complex boy.

 

_That boy._

_He's something else, entirely._


	5. i can't make you love me (if you don't)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ah. it gets angsty
> 
> (chapter title from bon iver - i can't make you love me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hey hello.........it's 2am here and i am FINALLY POSTING!! YES!!
> 
> i am so verry sorry about how late i am... uni started again so updates might become quite irregular, though i WILL try my best i promise
> 
> i'm not sure how i feel about this one... but here it is anyway.. hope you enjoy! xx
> 
> (hope you won't hate me too much, too)

Summer ends not too long after that, but still long enough for it to get worse. Complicated. And pretty much, just - very bittersweet.

The tension grows in a way that Phil doesn't really understand at first. It's only after a few times that he picks up on the fact that it's already tensed by the time Dan ends up a blushing mess, even stuttering at times and looking away hurriedly. He realizes, then, that it's because he's started teasing, too, or flaunting or something - unconsciously putting himself forward because he suddenly gained confidence in how bad he can effect Dan, too, instead of the other way around, instead of always being the - the _prey_ , somehow.

He's ashamed even to think that, but. He actually likes it.

So at first it's unconscious, and then it's a bit more on purpose, taking opportunities to show off when he feels like it - tonguing at his piercings, rolling up his sleeves to expose his tattoos, reaching for something from behind Dan and hiding a smirk when he feels him tense and gasp so very lightly.

Admittedly, he even makes _himself_ flustered, with how sometimes it's about him patting Dan's thigh with a supposedly casual hand, or letting their fingers brush when they pass things to each other, or even poking his sides. It's still - still _touching Dan_ , so even he blushes and hesitates at times.

Still, it's satisfying. He likes the feelings it gives him - confidence, something warm from how flattering it is, and some kind of, of power, maybe, like. Not the weird kind, you know, of course not - just, it's empowering. Just a tad. He guesses that's also how Dan felt all along, so now they're on the same ground and it's good.

 

 

It's good until it's _too good_ and so at the same _too fucking not good_.

 

 

Weirdly enough, it happens at night, when he's woken up by the need to pee and he stops in front of the bathroom when he sees there's a ray of light coming from under the closed door, and he gets shaken by the memory of that time years ago when he found a crying, heart-broken Dan and spent time listening to his despair. The night that had started it all, somehow.

This time, in fear of it actually being Joyce, he turns to go wait in Greg's room, but he's stopped when the door opens, and then he can't help but think that sometimes coincidences are really fucking weird - because it's Dan again. Dan, who looks up in surprise and smiles reflexively, and Phil smiles right back at him, though it's followed by a weird little silence, during which they probably both can feel that damned tension grow again.

Until Dan looks down, murmurs, "It strangely feels like a déjà-vu, doesn't it?"

"Probably because it actually happened before, yeah." Phil whispers back, barely realizing how intensely he's looking at him until Dan looks back up, meets his eye and blushes, leaning slightly against the doorway when Phil takes a few steps towards him, until he's standing just before him, and Dan gives him a coy little look.

"Though this time I'm not a crying kid needing support." he says, lightly like it's nothing.

"No?" Phil asks, and swallows harshly, though he's not sure where this is going.

"No." Dan confirms, staying silent a few seconds as they stare at each other, and he adds, soft and tentative, "Cause I'm not a kid anymore. And it's not support I need, now."

Phil exhales shakily, giddy with the implications in Dan's words, keeping his voice hushed and composed as he questions right back at him, "Is it not?"

"It's not - uh." Dan blushes, tries to shrug like it doesn't matter but fails, "At least, it's not just that."

Then he's taking a step towards Phil, and immediately Phil's frozen in place. They were already pretty close, but now Dan's _closer_ , and this conversation sounds too fucking dangerous, and - and Dan's stroking his fingertips down Phil's side, until they stop at his hip, and he says faintly,

"I need so much more than support, now. Would you - would you still give me what I need, Phil? Like you did that time?"

"Dan-" Phil tries to say, to warn, but his voice is so weak in his own throat, his fingers itching to tug Dan closer, feelings all over the place with how real it suddenly got, but he knows he can't, shouldn't -

Even with Dan leaning into him, almost pressing his body to Phil's, his face getting so close to his own - and his mouth, his pretty red mouth, is just there as he whispers, "Would you? Please?"

Phil closes his eyes, curses painfully, "Fuck-", grips Dan's shirt tightly and almost, almost does what's being asked of him, nearly just closes that small distance between their mouths, because it's good, it's so good to have him so close, asking him for more, but - but Greg's asleep in his bed, unaware of how much of a shit friend Phil's being, and - he can't. Silently, his eyes still shut, he turns his face away, a coward manner of saying no to Dan, who only takes a second before he's suddenly letting go like he got burned.

And Phil can't look at him. He can't - can't even imagine the look on his face in the horrible silence that follows, doesn't want to see it, ever, as he hears him let out a shaky, almost inaudible, "Okay." before he's quietly slipping out of the bathroom, leaving Phil there to open his eyes into the now empty room.

He loathes the sudden absence of him, as he was so close just a minute ago, just there and asking for even more closeness, and now gone, in just a painful second.

But he only has himself to blame for it.

 

 

 

 

It's a new kind of tension after that, all the five times he goes at theirs' again. Dan's kind of avoiding Phil, and Phil is just plain awkward and hesitant, doesn't know what he should do, how he could fix things - he's not sure he can, only thinks of apologizing and he figures it really would be pretty pathetic - and mostly useless. It's a tension that still reminds him of the one before that, but now it's also about unexpected eye contact, heavy silences and bittersweet smiles.

It's pretty sad, really. Phil fucking hates it.

He tries to talk about it eventually, one of the few times they're left alone. He takes advantage of a few minutes without Greg to gather up his courage, and breaks the ice.

"Dan," he tries, voice shaking a bit as Dan looks up with hidden surprise, "I - I don't know if this is - I guess it's a bit stupid to say that, but. I'm really sorry about - about the other time-"

Dan chuckles, though it just sounds forced, and cuts him, "No, Phil - don't. You don't have to apologize. Of course not. It's my fault, I - that was stupid. It's just, whatever. You had every right to - to do that."

"I mean, I-" he shakes his head, looking for words, "I guess so, but. I hate how it's been lately. I hate that we're not talking, and. Well, I didn't want - didn't want to hurt you or anything, didn't even want to - to say that. But-"

He pauses, doesn't dare to look up as he feels Dan staring at him, waiting for him to finish with what he has to say. He can't believe they're even addressing the problem there, for the first time. They're actually talking about it, like it's normal and accepted and - this is crazy. Phil can't stop fiddling with his sleeves, playing with his piercings, almost child-like in his distress.

"But we can't." he finishes, shakes his head again and feels like it's just a way to convince himself further of it, "We really can't, and we shouldn't and. Yeah."

Dan doesn't react to that, doesn't answer for a second, until he just says, nodding jerkily, "You're right, yeah. I know. It's - it's fine. It was really stupid of me."

"No, Dan, it wasn't." Phil can't help the way he just wants to hold him close once he hears that, "Just. You do get why, right? Why we shouldn't?"

"I mean," he shrugs, smiles in such a sad way that Phil's chest tightens, "I think I do but - I wouldn't have cared. I get why you do, though. I understand."

Phil looks down, swallows painfully. This is it - he literally said no, rejected him. He officially let Dan pass him by. When he hears Greg walking up the stairs though, he tries, a bit desperate, "Can we just get back to normal, please?"

And when Greg gets back in the room Dan's nodding, smiling at him with something that finally feels at least a bit genuine.

He'll take what he can. Even if it's just a nearly-not-fake smile. Even if he's not even sure what 'normal' means when it comes to them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So they try to act _normal_ after that, try not to show any weird feeling they know they're both having, and they manage to talk and laugh together pretty casually and Phil's really happy with that.

And maybe he can't really say that it's satisfying. But he tries not to dwell too much on it, because what he wants, what he needs to feel satisfied isn't something he can have, or can allow himself to have.

Still, his feelings are there. They're as present as ever - he doesn't stop wanting more, wanting Dan. This thing that pulls him towards Dan keeps making him suffer, and it feels like there's nothing he can do about it, nothing that can make it go away. He still wants him - so, so much.

And he knows without a doubt that Dan still does, too. It's easier to tell now that he knows Dan actually wanted him back, though it's a thought that never fails to amaze and overwhelm Phil. There are moments that feel a bit too weird again; eye contacts, smiles and replies that literally are borderline flirty, like that night in the bathroom didn't happen, like they're still in that secretely-coyly-flirting phase.

It's just as hard as it was before.

 

And he ends up feeling even more conflicted.

 

Dan's been going out a bit more often these last months. Usually his friends come get him, small groups of guys or girls who apparently already have their license, and they bring him back late afternoon, happy and stuffed with food. It's a nice thing, really. It's good to see him smiling because he finally have friends who accept him.

But.

There's this guy, that Phil saw picking Dan up three times already, but it's always just him and no one else in the car, so it's kind of. Weird. He also looks older, and though Phil hasn't seen him up close, he thinks it's the guy he noticed when they picked Dan up at the bar that time, the one who was pretty touchy with him, who looked around Phil and Greg's age.

When Greg also comments on that guy when they see him stop in front of the house to let Dan out, it admittedly makes Phil panic. Just a tad more than he already was panicking. They're looking through the kitchen window and quietly observing, like over-protective dads would, and Greg asks, quietly as if there was a risk Dan could hear them from here,

"It's that guy that Dan said he was going out with multiple times, right?"

"I think so, yeah." Phil answers, careful of his tone.

"He didn't mention he was older, though." Greg comments, frowning. "Look at that guy. Full beard, nice car - where the fuck does he come from?"

They can't really see him since he stays inside the car, but from what they can see - yeah. It doesn't really make sense as to how Dan met him. But they can't say a lot more as they see Dan approaching the house, and they turn back to the table to appear innocent, as Greg says,

"I fucking hope that's not his boyfriend or anything."

And he knows, obviously, that Greg is just kind of saying that. It's not like he's saying that he _is_ Dan's boyfriend. He's just worrying, too, and figuring it's a possibility.

But, well. It makes it feel weirdly real - a bitter feeling of jealousy runs over him, a sudden weight on his stomach as he struggles to even hum in response. His brain's all over the place in a second and he can't help how frustrated, almost angry he feels. It's stupid. He has no right to be jealous, but - but fuck, just imagining Dan with this guy, even just flirting or hugging or _kissing_ \- fuck. It feels horrible.

Dan enters the house, then, and the kitchen, and they pretend they didn't see anything, never talked about him possibly dating some older douchebag who owns his own fucking car.

Phil pretends it's all good. Pretends he doesn't feel even more than usual like kissing Dan.

Just for the sake of it.

Just to prove a point - even though there actually isn't any point to prove.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two weeks later on a Saturday, he's going back home sooner than usual, and just as he's closing the front door behind him, a car rolls up in front of the house. He quickly sees that it's Dan, and that fucking _guy_ driving him home.

Again.

He meets Dan's surprised eye, and doesn't even think about it before he waits for a few seconds, and walks slowly towards Dan as he closes the door of the car, giving the guy a quick wave and turning to Phil as he smiles shyly.

He's beautiful, as always, and wearing such a cute baggy jumper that Phil really, really wants to hold him, just for a second-

"Hey," he says, slowly walking towards Phil, too, until they're standing in front of each other, "You're leaving already?"

"Yeah, I have things to do. You know, uni and stuff." Phil answers, tries to smile as if he's not still feeling the burn of the jealousy deep in his stomach.

"Ah, of course," Dan smirks, teasing, "A busy man, you are."

"Eh, keep laughing. We'll see when you get there." he grins softly, unable to look away from his eyes.

How fucking stupid.

Dan shakes his head, scoffing, "You keep talking as if I'm twelve."

"What - you're not?" Phil feigns shock easily, chuckling as Dan lightly hits his arm.

"Shush! I'll officially be an adult next year." he says, and it feels oddly meaningful as he adds, "Get over it."

Phil gulps, trying to push all his thoughts down, as he manages to answer, "Ah, yes. I say this is all a big conspiracy."

Dan rolls his eyes, though he smiles at him, "Yeah, well, I say you should get to your responsibilities - go do your grown-up work and all that shit."

"Right, I probably should." Phil smirks.

He watches as Dan seems to blush slightly, beginning to back away as he concludes with a soft, "See you next week."

"Yeah, see you-" Phil begins, but quickly cuts himself as Dan starts walking, immediately calling out, "Wait, Dan-"

Dan turns back, looking at him curiously. Phil flushes, rubbing the back of his neck in a stressed manner. The fuck is he doing? This is definitely not something he's been planning, and absolutely not a good idea whatsoever - it's not even useful, because it shouldn't matter, really shouldn't-

"Are you - this guy, are you dating him?"

He watches as Dan looks confused just for a second, before he looks almost astonished by the question. "Am I - _what_?"

"That guy who always drives you back," he tries to explain, clearing his throat though he's regretting everything right now, "Is he your boyfriend or something?"

Suddenly it's almost like Dan's angry, frowning, his mouth slightly open as he stares at Phil like he just dared to do something he never should have. He probably just did, actually. And Dan's frown is probably, _most definitely_  an angry one.

"Is he my fucking boyfriend?" his tone is disbelieving as chuckles humorlessly, and he walks closer to Phil, "Are you kidding me, Phil?"

"Wha - why? No, I just-" and now he's stuttering, panicking in front of a pissed off Dan, "You're always going out just the two of you, and I - I was just wondering, like. Y'know."

There's a few seconds of silence as Dan apparently proceeds his words, before he presses two fingers to his right temple, momentarily closing his eyes.

"I've been wanting you for months, Phil. Years, maybe." he states, strangely collected but an almost-threat in his voice, and then he looks up at Phil and adds, "I'm still waiting, hoping that you'll change your mind about this, and you - you think I have a damn _boyfriend_? Seriously?"

"I - it's just-" he tries to speak up, answer, just say something that will make him sound a bit less stupid, but he's rendered speechless by Dan's openness, by the sudden turn in the conversation. He hasn't even considered just how much Dan might like him.

"I'm a bit younger than you, right. But I'm not that stupid. I know what I want and my feelings don't just come and go like that."

"That's not what I meant, Dan." he tries, a bit desperate, making genuine eye contact, "I'm sorry. I was just - it's been on my mind for weeks and, I - I needed to know. Sorry."

Dan sighs, shakes his head, as if shaking the anger away, "It's okay. I overreacted. I think I'm just - it's just hard for me to let go of any hope for that - for you."

And once again, Phil falls silent. He loses all capacities of talking when being faced with Dan's honesty, with how easily Dan's telling him he wants him. He's struggling to even have coherent thoughts, actually, so.

He can do nothing but watch as Dan fidgets for a second, before muttering, "You should actually go, now. Don't worry about that, though. It's fine."

He smiles as if to prove it, but really it mostly looks forced and sad, and Phil's heart breaks, just a bit.

"See you, Phil," he says, quickly turning around and walking, and Phil barely has time to answer before he's opening the door and disappearing behind it.

He turns to the road, tugs helplessly at his hair and sighs.

Gosh, it really was a stupid idea. That question, and any of his ideas, ever - and actually, forget that - anything concerning him and Dan was a stupid idea.

It's all so dumb. Phil wants him so, so bad, can't even deny it anymore; but he can't have him, or won't have him, though Dan wants him, too, is waiting for him, even - but this all too immoral, so what can Phil do with that and how much more stupid can it get before he loses his damn mind?

Because he really is starting to lose it. All he can think about in that moment, is that Dan's waiting for him, that he said something about _feelings_ \- he thinks about how honest, pretty and touching he was in that moment, even if Phil felt dumber than dumb.

He can only think about how much he wanted to stop Dan's anger and kiss the hurt away, stroke his cheeks and beg for forgiveness.

 

He can only think about how hard it is not to give in.


	6. i didn't mean to hold you or gain your sympathy (that's my jea- my jealousy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> feelings can be rough and life sort of a roller coaster. apparently.
> 
> (chapter title from tom odell - jealousy)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ......................hi?
> 
> um........okay. I PLEAD GUILTY. i am super guilty and i'm really, really sorry. it's been so long *hides in shame*
> 
> mostly it was bc of, yknow, life and messy habits but i also got caught into writing another fic (bts.. if you're interested in reading it....um) which wasn't supposed to happen or take this long so yeah sorrysorrysorry!!
> 
> i hope you can all forgive me with this update (you probably won't cause...yeah lol). it's a bit shorter than usual because i thought it was best to stop it there, considering what i have planned for the next chapter, and considering it was about time i update.
> 
> so, yeah. sorry again, and hope you still enjoy this!! xx
> 
> (warnings for this chap: angst?)

 

For about two weeks then, Phil finds excuses not to go on the weekends, which is quite easy with how hard Uni’s going at him this year. So he pretends he’s so busy that there’s no way he can come sleep over, and Greg just comes see him a few hours and Phil doesn’t see Dan and that’s it.

That’s it, though he can’t help thinking about him all the time. He can’t help how bad he feels about everything, how much he wants to see him, no matter how stupid it is as it hasn’t been that long since they last saw each other, but still. And his heart just aches so terribly for him, admittedly, he wants to soothe him and tell him it’s not like that at all Phil wants him, can’t even deny it, but just - he’s stuck.

That’s it, until the third week, late on a Thursday night, as he receives an unexpected message. His heart beats wildly as he reads,

_from: Dan_

_are you even gay?_

He raises an eyebrow, thinking back to how he had thought it wasn’t good that they had each other’s numbers now. Well. He had been right.

_to: Dan_

_Uh, hi. I’m fine thanks, what about you?_

He knows it’s an annoying reply. He doesn’t even care that Dan got right to the point, actually. But Phil’s all about avoiding confrontations, so.

_from: Dan_

_fuck. sorry. hi. im sorry, i just had to ask that cause like. it’s been on my mind for weeks_

_to: Dan_

_It’s okay.. why that question though?_

_from: Dan_

_um… i keep wondering why… well. you know_

But Phil’s thick. So he doesn’t know for sure. Just suspects.

_to: Dan_

_No, I don’t?_

_from: Dan_

_i mean it’s stupid cause you told me (well kind of) but somehow i keep thinking that maybe there’s more. worse. just.. worse reasons as to why you don’t want me_

Ah, fuck. That’s kind of a heart-breaking answer, even with how short it is. It reminds Phil all too well of how young Dan still is, how many issues he has. He knows Dan has a hard time being confident in himself, though he’s gotten better, and really this must be super harsh on him, to have Phil somewhat leading him on and then sending it all to shreds. He suddenly feels guilty again, for being the reason he’s hurt now, when all he ever wanted was for him to be happy. Not to mention how it’s definitely not about him not wanting Dan.

_to: Dan_

_Dan, I told you. It’s not that. I do want you.. there’s no point in denying it now. I’m sure you saw it, too, so please remember that, at least. I’m sorry I rejected you.. but it’s not about you as a person, I swear. You’re amazing._

He waits for a few minutes then, feeling his chest constricting his breathing, his heart still beating wildly. When he gets no answer, he sends more.

_to: Dan_

_You’re amazing and I want you. But you’re young. Underage, is the thing. And most importantly, you’re Greg’s brother. My best friend’s little brother. I can’t do that to him, he’d fucking hate me. You’re everything to him. And I really couldn’t bear it if he started hating me._

_to: Dan_

_And to answer your question, I’m not gay. I’m bi. Or pan. Something like that. Trust me, I do get attracted to boys. Well, to you, mostly. Maybe I just love to complicate things._

Just as he begins to think that he won’t get an answer at all, though he’s literally pouring his heart out to him right now, Dan actually does, and he almost drops his phone with how bad he’s shaking.

_from: Dan_

_fuck, phil.. i don’t know if this makes things worse or better.. i kept thinking that, like, there was no way you didn’t want me, even just a little bc i really felt like there was.. something, yknow. but still i was so worried that all along it had all been in my mind and gosh i want you too. so bad. i can’t believe this is all bc of greg.. it doesn’t have to matter_

_to: Dan_

_Yes it does, Dan. I can’t do that to him._

_from: Dan_

_you’re not doing anything to him. it’s only between me and you_

Ah, fuck. If Dan’s going to try and get him to give in, he’s not a hundred percent sure he’ll resist him, and he hates himself for even thinking that. He can’t just let Dan get to him because _he can’t do it_ , just can’t -  _shouldn’t_. He passes a hand over his own face, sighing.

_to: Dan_

_But if he came to know about it, it would also be about him. Cause he would care. You know that._

_from: Dan_

_he doesn’t have to know, though_

_to: Dan_

_Dan.._

_from: Dan_

_sorry. i don’t want to push you.. i’m just saying. bc it’s true..it could just stay between us two and that would all be fine_

_to: Dan_

_And he’d hate me even more the day he’d learn about it. Because he would. One day or another._

There’s a fleeting moment where he doesn’t get an answer, and immediately he takes his chance to add,

_to: Dan_

_Look. You have to believe me, it’s also hard for me.. but you can’t imagine how hard it’s been to even admit to myself that I was attracted to you. That was weird as fuck_

_from: Dan_

_i can imagine. it was fucking weird for me too. but now we both know that.. and what? we’re just gonna ignore it and try to move on?_

The thought is far from pleasing. It actually crushes something inside Phil, just a tad, because if he’s really, completely honest - that’s absolutely not what he wants to do. Far from it.

_to: Dan_

_I mean.. yeah. I guess_

_from: Dan_

_so we pretend there’s nothing and we see other people and stuff. just like that?_

Fuck. He’s suddenly glad that this is all done over text, because it’s so much easier to pretend like the idea doesn’t make him immediately frown, a nervous feeling in his gut, as he imagines Dan - with someone else, kissing someone else-

_to: Dan_

_If we want to.. then yes._

_from: Dan_

_right_

That’s all he gets, and he doesn’t know what to make of that. He’s not sure what it means, what Dan is feeling right now, not sure what he’s supposed to answer - if he’s even supposed to. But Dan sends another so he doesn’t have to worry about that any longer. Just about what he said now.

_from: Dan_

_well.. i guess i’ll try that then. good luck with all your uni work.. see you soon i hope_

_from: Dan_

_i mean i don’t (hope). i mean kind of but not in that way. since we’re not supposed to. just - still_

He exhales shakily, wants desperately to tell him he just changed his mind and doesn’t care about his age or what Greg will think, and doesn’t want him to move on and find someone else - but he pushes himself not to.

_to: Dan_

_It’s okay. Thank you. I hope I’ll be able to come see you both soon, too_

And so it just stops there. Settled. No going back. They can’t, and they won’t, and that’s it. He made the decision - the right one, so now he’s not changing his mind.

He lies on his bed and feels a little bit like crying, but he pushes his fingers harshly over his closed eyes and breathes deeply and he manages not to.

Once again, he brought this upon himself.

No going back, right?

  
  


Right.

Except, well. Things maybe don’t go as planned. Maybe - as always.

About two months pass. It’s pretty dull - uneventful, but bittersweet. Phil goes to see them every week, like he used to do, and it’s all good, really, it’s not like there is bitterness or anger between them. They talk, and they still laugh, and Dan spends time with Greg and him quite a lot, and it’s fine.

He just can’t help feeling a little sad, every time. So many of his thoughts go to Dan, to what he feels for him, though he still doesn’t really know - and it hurts to have to pretend none of this matters. It hurts to always remind himself that this can’t go anywhere - that all he can do is move on and forget about it.

Sometimes he doesn’t feel like he can. Sometimes he catches himself picturing stuff - wanting stuff that he should have stopped thinking about already. Sometimes they talk about serious issues and look at each other right in the eye and Phil wants everything Dan could give him. Wants to do something about the sad, discreet little looks they share from time to time, make them just a memory. Something like that.

That’s not what he does.

But maybe that’s what Dan does, in a way.

In a way that made Phil regret the sad looks and constricted feeling of his chest.

Dan gets a boyfriend.

At first he doesn’t know. It’s Greg who tells him, one evening during which Dan’s gone out again. He tells him that it’s the guy they saw the other time, that Dan announced it to him like a week ago, and that he’s a bit worried about him, though he tried not to react stupidly. He’s not exactly mad, but then he talks about how the guy is actually 24, and, well. Then he does sound a bit mad - like he doesn’t want to be, but can’t help it. He just worries a lot, is the thing. Dan’s still 17, so - of course. Of course, Greg doesn’t really like the idea of it all.

Phil doesn’t really like the idea of it, either. He - he kind of hates it, actually. He tries not to, because he wants to be fair to Dan, and he knows, he _knows_ Dan’s allowed to date whoever he wants, he knows he told Dan himself that it might be the best thing to do. So he doesn’t want to be so - so angry, so jealous - so _sad_. But he can’t help it. He plays it off like he’s just surprised and confused and worried, too, when really, he wants to maybe punch something, probably himself, and then yell a bit and maybe curl up into a stupid ball of stupidity and stupidly cry like a baby.

He’s just so _dumb_ . What the hell was he thinking? Seeing Dan that way, acting so ambiguously towards him, feeling these things? And why the fuck would he push him away and tell him they should move on when - when he doesn’t want to do that, not at all, fucking - _fuck_.

Before Dan can come home, Phil pretends his mom asked for him to eat with her and his dad that night, and he rushes off to his small apartment, his stomach tight with nerves, and he plays video games until he forgets about the stinging in his eyes.

A few days later, he gives in on a whim and texts him, late at night when he’s lying in bed and thinking too much.

_to: Dan_

_So. That guy. He’s really your boyfriend, now._

An answer comes just a few seconds later, and he opens it immediately, his heart ready to burst.

_from: Dan_

_well. greg could have asked me before talking about it, but, yeah.. he is._

_to: Dan_

_I would have needed to know at some point, anyway. That’s.. good for you._

_from: Dan_

_it doesn’t change anything. so maybe not, no. also i think we both know that’s not what you want to say, so at least don’t try to make me feel bad about it_

And. Ouch. That hurts. He’s reminded of his own stupidity, again, and he feels bad that he went to him almost to start an argument, but mostly it stings because - _it doesn’t change anything._

He’s right. And that’s hard to admit. He doesn’t answer - doesn’t want to make Dan angrier at him. Doesn’t want to hear more, either. He sighs, clenches his eyes hard and desperately waits for sleep.

  


 

When he comes see them that weekend, Dan’s quite obviously mad at him. He doesn’t spend time with Greg and him, stays silent during dinner and basically doesn’t even meet Phil’s eyes.

Greg tells him that he doesn’t know what’s up with him, and Phil vaguely agrees, but. Dan’s mad at Phil and he has every right to be and Phil is mad at himself, too, so. He gets it, really. He doesn’t try to talk to him, just lets him be mad and feels ashamed even when he’s back to his own home.

  


 

A week after that, Dan’s not just mad - he’s furious, when he comes back from an evening with his boyfriend. He slams the door so hard he manages to make both Greg and Phil jump from upstairs, and he goes up the stairs fiercely, his steps loud. Greg looks at Phil, raises an eyebrow, and when Dan quickly passes by their room he calls out,

“Had a fight with your boyfriend?”

“Not my boyfriend anymore.” Dan immediately retorts, voice tense and loud like he was waiting to say that, and maybe like he wants to yell a bit, too.

He only slams the door to his own bedroom, though, and they don’t see him again that night, are left with just that. Phil doesn’t like seeing him in a bad mood, wants him to feel happy. Really. He hopes it's not something bad, really hopes the guy hasn't been an asshole and it's over something that isn't super serious. He wants to know, because if the guy hurt Dan then - then he probably will have some things to fix. You know. _Things_. No matter how pacific he usually is. Dan's probably taken care of it, already, but one's never too sure. So, yeah, it's not like he wants to fucking jump around or anything-

But he can’t help the small feeling of glee in his chest, that he acutely tries to bury inside himself.

Bad, Phil. That’s really bad.


	7. kiss me like you wanna be loved (this feels like falling in love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tension has to be let out, at some point - no matter what kind of tension we're talking about.
> 
> (chapter title is from ed sheeran - kiss me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloooo~  
> here i am, finally. i didn't take too long this time!! woohooo!!  
> i wanted to say thank you again for all the comments you left, y'all suddenly appeared at some point?? did something happen?? lol  
> but anyway. i reaaaaaaally hope you'll enjoy this one. i'm pretty satisfied. i think you'll like it ^.^  
> enjoy xxx
> 
> warnings for this chap: death mentions?

All in all, Phil thinks _it_ happens in the span of a few weeks. A month, top.

Dan gets a new boyfriend. They break up two weeks later. He gets another one - the oldest yet - and it’s over in a few days.

Greg’s going a bit crazy with frustration, Dan looks resigned by the third time it happens, and Phil - Phil spends these weeks in a sort of dull, but still so very present kind of pain that just never really leaves him. His only coping mechanism seems to be trying not to think about it, and it only works so long. Then he has to live with the constricted feeling of his chest, his heart - something like that. He has to live with the few times he thinks too hard about Dan’s smile and the moments they shared and the tears it brings to his eyes.

 _It’s whatever_ \- he tries to think. It’s whatever, except it’s not, it’s really not.

It’s just a week after Dan’s broken up with his last boyfriend when they’re all eating together, Dan on one side of the table, Greg and Phil on another one, Joyce at the end of it. It’s quiet though Joyce’s making light conversation - it’s mostly Phil who answers her and keeps the discussion alive. Greg’s too busy frowning at Dan, who’s absorbed by his phone and keeps smirking down at it. He’s dressed in all-black and has some eyeliner on this day, and Phil - just feels so much.

When Dan puts his phone down to reach for the chicken and notices Greg’s expression, he immediately frowns back, getting defensive in a second,

“What?”

Greg frowns harder, and Phil notices him tapping his fingers against the table, annoyed, “You’ve been on your phone this whole time. That’s super rude, Dan.”

“Oh, no. Here we go.” Dan rolls his eyes so hard it looks weird, “Do you always just forget I’m not 14 anymore?”

“It’s not about that, shut it! Do you see any of us on our phone during dinner?”

“Right, both of you calm down. Don’t make another scene, please.” Joyce intervenes, sighing and throwing Phil a look that tells him it’s not the first time they’ve been arguing lately. “Dan, put your phone away.”

Dan grunts, pushing his phone to the side, before muttering, “He needs to let it go.”

“Who the fuck are you texting anyway?” is Greg’s irritated answer, and Phil tries not to make too much noise with his fork because that, weirdly, would be super awkward. He’s got the growing feeling this is going somewhere - somewhere not nice.

“Not your fucking business,” Dan answers, and Greg lifts his eyebrows at him, Joyce gasping in what sounds like outrage.

“Will you both just stop it and be polite? What’s up with you two lately?” she exclaims, putting down her fork to grab at the table and stare at them.

Dan and Greg give her a look that’s probably supposed to be apologetic but is still very obviously annoyed. It’s silent for a few seconds, and then Dan’s phone buzzes, once, and Greg looks up at him with wide eyes, pointing a finger at the phone. In a second they begin yelling, talking over each other,

_“Who the fuck-”_

_“Why does that matter to you-”_

_“-always doing that! Stop-”_

_“-my new boyfriend, is who he is!”_

And that gets a frustrated groan out of Greg, Joyce helplessly rubbing her temples, and Phil - looking awkwardly between the both of them, useless as can be.

“Dan,” Greg starts, sounding very much like he’s only trying to contain anger, “What are you doing?”

“What do you mean, what am I doing?”

“Like - this whole boyfriend stuff. You keep just getting new ones and breaking up - the fuck is up with that?”

Dan looks up at him, mouth agape, offended to the very core. “You really got some nerve, Greg.”

“What?” he says, hands apart like he doesn’t get it, not one bit, “Suddenly you’re going out with multiple assholes who all look older than you and dumb as fuck-”

“Right, that’s it,” Dan cuts him out, collecting his fork and knife in his plate, probably to leave the table, “I’m not staying around for _that-_ ”

“Hey, no,” Greg tries, holding Dan’s plate down, “You need to - you can’t say everything’s normal, like. I don’t want you getting hurt, ok?”

“Well, maybe you should start letting me live if you don’t want me getting hurt,” Dan retorts, getting up.

So Greg gets up, too, and Phil keeps feeling like is this is getting worse and worse, and Greg says, gesturing to Joyce, “C’mon, I can’t be the only one who thinks that, Mum, right?”

They all look to Joyce then, Dan looking like this is going to be the last straw, and Joyce just sighs, starts to say, “Look, Greg. I think we have to try and trust that he’s taking care of himself, alright? He’s almost an adult. We can’t tell him what to do, no matter what-”

“So what is it?” Dan speaks up, sounding close to tears suddenly, “You were all just secretly thinking I was - was becoming some kind of _slut_ , so now you want me to stop-”

Both Greg and Joyce start protesting loudly, and Phil feels ready to burst with how much he wants to intervene, how bad he wants to comfort Dan and make Greg shut up, but he can only watch as Greg speaks again,

“That’s not it at all, Dan, please just - I’m just, like. You deserve better than going from dumbass to dumbass! I don’t want some older piece of shit to just, just use you or something-”

“ _I’m not fucking fourteen_ , Greg!” Dan suddenly yells, and this time he really looks done for, “I’m the only one who gets to decide who I date, I’m the only one who decides what I let others have!”

“I know, _I know_ , ok? Please just-” Greg closes his eyes like all of this pains him, and Phil knows it does, doesn’t doubt it for one second, but - fuck. “I’m just - not used to that, and so worried, shit. And I’m sure Mom is, too, and - and if Dad was here - if he was here he would be, too-”

“Well, Dad’s not fucking here.” Dan croaks out, tearing up in a second, looking at Greg with something that looks like betrayal, before he’s bursting out and yelling, “Dad’s not here, ‘cause he’s _dead_! He’s dead and can’t say shit about this, can’t even care anyway, so just _fuck you_ , Greg!”

“Dan!” Joyce gasps out, and Phil just stares with wide eyes as Dan hurries out of the room, making a point of slamming the door so hard they all jump, and Greg swears and sits back down, gripping at his own hair.

Joyce begins crying, too, quietly as she hides into her hands, and so Phil takes one of them into his, and squeezes tightly, trying as good as he can to help a bit, to ease her pain, and she squeezes back.

“You need to control yourself when it comes to him, Greg,” she says, voice shaking. “You can’t baby him forever.”

Greg sighs, puts his head down to rest on his forearms, and mutters, “I know. I know, I’m sorry, I’m not trying to hurt him-”

“Yeah, I know that,” she looks at him with something like affection, like Greg’s still her little boy who just needs to be taught some things, “I’m always so proud, Greg. So proud to see how much you’ve been taking care of him since - since Dad died. But it’s becoming too much. He’s almost an adult. And he’s going to start resenting you if you overprotect him all the time.”

“I just - I’ve been trying to keep up. It was inevitable, but these guys - I don’t know. If Dan keeps breaking up with them, then, it has to mean something, right? And if they’ve been hurting him-”

Phil closes his eyes at the thought, too. And tries hard not to let it get to him. He gets up, as quietly as he can, and tells them, “Sorry, you probably - probably need to talk alone, I’ll. I’m gonna go check on Dan.”

They both nod, Joyce smiling tightly at him and whispering a ‘ _thank you_ ’, and then he’s walking out, closing the door quietly. Stopping for a second, he throws his head back, takes a deep breath to sigh loudly. He wills his heart to calm down, organizes his thoughts as good as he can. With sudden anxiety he gets himself up the stairs, to get to Dan’s room which is, expectedly, closed. He hears loud sobbing already, and his chest clenches, tears well up in his eyes, too. But he presses his hands to his eyes, and then knocks, softly.

The sobbing stops, but he gets no answer, and so he tries, as gently as he can, “Dan, it’s Phil. Can I - can I come in?”

There is still no answer, but a few seconds later the door opens, and Dan stares at him, tears-streaked face, red eyes and chest heaving quietly, and Phil almost breaks.

“What do you want?” he asks, though not meanly, voice shaking.

“I, I just-” Phil’s at a loss for words, then, though it’s not that complicated, really. It’s not a moment to be a coward, he just has to say it like it is. And so he does, “I wanted to check on you. Wanted - to be there. If you want me to.”

Dan looks away, shrugs, but Phil doesn’t take it badly, because he’s letting him in the room, sniffling. He goes to sit on his bed, leaving an empty space beside him. Phil sits, silently, looks at him with his heart beating wildly, looks at him as he tries to appear composed but eventually begins crying again, face all scrunched up and hands squeezing at his own arms.

So really, there’s no other away then, no other way for Phil but to whisper with pain, ‘ _oh, Dan, come here_ ’ and he pulls Dan into his arms, who goes willingly and sobs against his chest, grips at him tightly and lets himself cry, lets his breaths get shattered with how much he’s hurting. And Phil just holds him tight, cheek against his hair, caressing his back.

“I miss him so much,” Dan croaks out, his voice no more than a broken whisper, “It’s been years and I still miss him so much sometimes that it’s- it’s- it’s too much-”

Of course Phil doesn’t have to ask, knows immediately who he’s talking about. He hugs Dan tighter, wordless, willing himself not to cry too.

“It’s okay, Dan,” he says, whispering too, “It’s okay to miss him.”

Dan shakes his head, breathes with so much difficulty, and goes on, takes this moment to let it all out, and Phil is more than willing to pick it all up for him, “I just can’t. I can’t- I don’t know how people do this. How do they move on? I’ve been- my dad- I lost my _dad_. My dad is _dead_ , how do I- I don’t know how to do it.”

Phil shushes him, starts rocking him back and forth a bit, “I know. I know, it’s hard. It really is. But you’ve been - you’ve already been so strong. You always are. It’s hard now but some day it’ll be okay, you’re- you’re strong enough.”

“I don’t know,” he says, trying to calm down, “Sometimes I’m not that sure about that.”

“No, of course you are. Of course you will- will be okay, and be strong enough. I have absolutely, zero-percent doubt about it.”

Dan lets out a very light little chuckle, though his voice is all watery when he mutters, “Thank you, Phil.”

Phil kisses his hair in answer, and then they just stay like that, Dan crying quietly as they hold each other tightly. It’s a weird moment, a mix of such intense pain and quiet feelings of something- something really strong, something that makes it so _right_ to hold Dan like that and be there for him.

“Greg didn’t mean to hurt you,” he says after a while, when Dan’s just sniffling quietly, “He’s - he’s really dumb. That’s a given, but-” the little laugh Dan lets out then relieves him a bit, and he goes on, “But he didn’t want that to happen.”

Dan stays silent for a few seconds, sighs, “I know. I’m just getting tired of being judged over everything. And him trying to be, like, my dad or something.” Phil hums in understanding, so he keeps talking, “I know he’s not doing it on purpose. And I still - I’m still thankful for all he’s been doing these last years. I needed that, I think. But it’s been too much, lately.”

“Yeah. I get what you mean.” Phil says, tries to be as impartial as he can, “Maybe you should just talk to him. Like, tell him all of this, discuss everything. And - you know. Maybe just, make sure you’re careful? About yourself, I mean.”

“Yeah,” Dan mutters, “But I’m trying, already.”

And Phil can only sigh at that, wishing with all he has that everything could be easy for Dan. But he doesn’t say anything, just stays where he is, and rubs Dan’s back for a while. After some time, they can hear someone coming up the stairs, but none of them move. There’s a sudden panic in Phil’s mind but he also doesn’t have the heart to let Dan go like that. Not right now, not ever if Dan needs him. Greg be damned.

And it is Greg, asking from behind the door if he can come in, and Dan says yes, so when he comes inside he’s greeted by the sight of Dan with his head on Phil’s shoulder, and Phil’s arm around him, and they’re both looking up at him, and Greg stares at them for a few seconds, but doesn’t really react, doesn’t get mad or frown or act suspicious. He smiles, very lightly, and then he’s turning to Dan, and he apologizes.

Like he doesn’t mind this. Like it’s no big deal. And Phil’s suddenly filled with glee.

When they start talking it out, he quietly tells them he’s going to go home, and so he leaves, stops on his way to say goodbye and talk to Joyce a bit, and goes home with his heart all confused and heavy.

  
  
  
  
  


And then it’s only two weeks later. Since that evening it almost feels like they’ve gotten closer than ever. Almost. Kinda. Everything is back to normal, but it’s almost better, because there’s no tension anymore, no actual bitterness. It’s refreshing. Admittedly, there’s longing, that Phil feels pretty much all the time anyway, so maybe he should mention _that_ kind of tension. Dan’s still with his boyfriend but Phil’s able not to think about it too much. Overall, there’s just no harsh feelings, and things are great between Dan and Greg, and it’s all good.

So, so good.

It’s on a Saturday, late at night, that he gets a text from Dan, when he had decided not to go see them because he had assignments to finish. So the least he could say, is that he wasn’t expecting _this_ ,

 

_from: Dan_

_hey, phil. i’m really sorry, i know you have work to do. but could you come pick me up rn? don’t wanna ask greg.._

 

That gets his heart to go wild in a second, worry filling him whole. Immediately, he calls him, and Dan answers on the second ring.

_“Hello?”_

“Hey. What’s going on? Where are you?” and he probably sounds a little pressed, but it’s the least of his worries right now.

_“I’m - I’m in front of Dean’s apartment. We had.. sort of a fight, I guess. I don’t wanna stay here. But you don’t have to-”_

“Right. Text me the address. I’ll come pick you up.”

_“Oh. Alright. Thank you.”_

Phil hangs up, sighing heavily, questioning his life’s choices. He almost never uses his car, almost never drives because he’s shit at it and got his licence with much difficulty. But, well. That’s not a thing he even thought about then. If Dan - if he’s not at home and needing to get away from fucking _Dean_ \- then of course Phil’s going to come running to him. Or driving, whatever.

Dan texts him the address, and he only takes the time to google it, take his keys and put on shoes before he’s out of his own apartment.

  
  
  


When he gets there Dan’s sitting on the pavement, alone with his backpack. He can’t really see his face in the dark of the night but he waits for Dan to get in the car before looking at him properly. It doesn’t look like he’s been crying or anything, mostly he just looks done, a bit mad, and Phil is relieved.

“So,” he starts as Dan buckles his belt, “Had a fight?”

Dan snorts, before leaning back against his seat, sighing, “Kinda. More like ended things immediately, but, well.”

“ _You_ did?”

“Yeah. It was me every time.”

Phil nods slowly, swallowing before he dares to ask, “Why?”

Dan shrugs, though now he looks a bit annoyed, and Phil can only stare at him intently, “They always reveal themselves to be assholes, or just stupid - or both.”

“Did any of them hurt you in any way?” he inquires, because that’s pretty much the most important question he had in mind.

“I mean,” Dan pauses to raise his eyebrows sarcastically, “Except that they really make me see men are shit and I sometimes wish I wasn’t gay for entirely new reasons - then no.”

Phil chuckles at that, though a bit humourlessly, as he can’t help but agree.

“I’m just getting tired of it,” Dan goes on, and does sound tired, “Every time I think that maybe this is it, maybe they’ll be - maybe they’ll be enough and I’ll be able not to think about you anymore, but. Nope. Pretty much all they actually want is to put their dumb fucking dicks up my ass, like I want any of that, so. This is fucking pointless.”

“Oh,” Phil croaks out, wordless, blushing stupidly. He wasn’t really expecting that kind of answer, but, well. Honesty is good.

“Yeah, oh,” Dan chuckles, and it sounds sincere.

“I’m sorry,” is all Phil can say then, and they look at each other for a moment, wordlessly. "About - you know. And about how horrible these guys were."

“It’s alright. Maybe I’m just always attracted to pieces of shit.”

“Ah. Am I a piece of shit?” Phil asks, mostly joking but also just a tiny bit worried.

Dan laughs, looks at him like he’s the dumbest thing, but in a - in a super fond way that makes Phil blush again, makes him smile back shyly, “No. No, of course you’re not.”

“Cool,” Phil whispers, clears his throat. “So, where did you want to go? Since you don’t want Greg to know, apparently.”

“Well, I just didn’t want to deal with it already, but he’ll have to know anyway, so. I should probably just go home.”

“Alright,” he says easily, and starts the car, “Off we go, then. Just letting you know, I’m a shitty driver.”

Dan chuckles at that, and then that’s it. They ride for a quarter, maybe, both of them quiet and weirdly at ease with just the radio as background, Dan humming some songs and Phil smiling at him when he chuckles at his little driving blunders. When they get to the house Phil stops the car, and Dan takes his backpack and unbuckles his belt, and Phil just stares, and feels, _feels-_

“Thank you so much,” he says, turning to him and smiling apologetically, “Sorry that I bothered you with that.”

“You didn’t bother me,” Phil rushes to say, and when Dan looks at him as if to say _don’t-bullshit-me_ , he adds, “Well, maybe you bothered but not in a - like, I was happy about it. Or, just - not _really_ bothered. Ugh. Whatever. Just, it’s fine.”

Dan chuckles, shakes his head lightly, “Okay. Thank you, Phil, really. See you.”

And he’s about to open the door then, but before he can think about it Phil stops him with a hand on his right wrist, and he looks down and sees his own leather jacket contrasting with Dan’s white jumper and then Dan’s looking at him questioningly, and he, he,

“I wanna kiss you.”

That’s - that’s a thing he just said, apparently.

Dan’s wide-eyed, silent for a second, before he asks shakily, wrist still in Phil’s hand, “For real?”

Phil swallows down his fear, only looks into Dan’s eyes, “Yeah, for real.”

“Then do it-”, Dan’s the one to take hold of his wrist then, shuffling closer, looking up at him as if to dare him to follow through, “Fucking do it.”

And so Phil doesn’t let himself think, doesn’t take the time to question whether it’s a good idea, doesn’t remember why he wouldn’t let himself until then - he just thinks about how much he feels and how pretty Dan is and how much he wants, wants -

He kisses him, with stupid abandon, and he relishes the press of their lips together, the way they fit into each other, how Dan makes a tiny squeak into it and then presses closer, closer, a knee next to the gear level, his hands in Phil’s hair, and Phil presses back, too, cupping his cheeks and feeling almost like crying with how _right_ it feels.

Dan stops him for a second, both of them breathless, and he asks, “What about Greg?”

But Phil, Phil just - “Whatever. Whatever, Dan-” and he goes back to kissing him, hungry and wet, but it gets slow after a moment, mouths moving together, until finally they stop and giggle helplessly - nervous, _happy_.

“Ok, fuck, I should go back,” Dan gasps out, still breathless with emotion, and Phil nods, though the last thing he wants is for Dan to go.

But he has to, and so he opens the door, looks back at him to simply mutter a, _‘fuck’_ , with a wide, wide smile that Phil can’t help but reciprocate, leaning back against his seat as he watches him go.

His heart’s ready to burst out of his chest, he fucking wants to scream - and all these worries he had before seem trifling, overtaken by the sheer joy he’s filled with, the way both his mind and body can only feel satisfied after this.

 _Fuck_. Fuck if this isn’t love. Fuck if this isn’t all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh i just wanted to add a lil note to say that i absolutely do not believe that someone who does what dan did is a slut. and he doesn't actually think that either. he's just being a bit dumb cause he's upset.
> 
> (well, not that being a slut is essentially a bad thing. lol)
> 
> that's all~ thank you for reading hope you liked!!


	8. with the taste of your lips, i'm on a ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> keeping things PG is getting a bit... harder
> 
> (chapter title is from britney spears - toxic...pardon my cringy choice)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello?
> 
> um...... soooooo...... sorry about making you all wait. but i'm back on tracks. and i think you'll like this chapter :)) it's a little short but i wanted to feed you :p
> 
> btw, i think there might be, like, two chapters left. or three. something like that.
> 
> anyways
> 
> hope you'll like it! xx

They hide, for a while. Actually they just don’t act much on what they’ve seemed to achieved, because as Phil tells Dan - nothing changes the fact that Dan isn’t 18 yet, and so that’s not something he can ignore like that. But they do share some kisses, on rare occasions, and flirt and give each other knowing smiles. And text. Heavily.

And Phil doesn’t think he’s been that happy in a long time. They talk every day now, at first having real, meaningful conversations, until they just began texting each other useless stuff all the time. Useless stuff that still made them smile - what class they’re in, what’s their teacher like, what they’re eating, what they’re playing. Anything they feel like sharing, and they feel like sharing a lot.

So that’s the awesome part of it. But of course, there’s the Greg side of it. And that one is - far from awesome. It’s actually quite horrible. Having to lie to his best friend, or at least to hide stuff from him, especially such important stuff, it really is horrible. Phil feels so guilty, and like such a bad friend, and even more like he’s doing something sinful when really, he couldn’t love Dan more and isn’t that absolutely pure, then?

But still. They have to hide and pretend they don’t know a suspicious amount of stuff about each other’s weeks and overall lives. They pretend they don’t know what the other’s mouth feels like, what it’s like to look each other in the eye and smile so hard it hurts to restrain it.

For now it doesn’t seem like Greg is suspicious of anything. But Phil still fears the day he is - or the day he finds out.

  
  
  
  


After some time Dan starts hanging out at Phil’s, quite regularly. It’s just - a way for them to actually know what it’s like to be just the two of them. All these years, they’ve spent the majority of their time together with Greg, so they figure they’re gonna need that, quickly. Actually, they already do, and so Dan comes over once, twice, three times, until it’s a habit and he just comes over at least once a week. It’s only for a few hours but it’s the best hours of Phil’s week, every single time.

They can just talk and laugh and play video games and really share it all _together_ , and really develop and give their relationship strength.

And of course, they can kiss and cuddle - and make out and get a bit too heated, sometimes. A bit too heated, with them lying on Phil’s bed, whatever they were doing before just forgotten as they kiss languorously, lost in each other, in how their mouths move and their hands grip and - and then, Dan, because it’s Dan every single time, starts pressing himself all against Phil, making tiny noises into his mouth. And Phil always feels so conflicted, because fuck, he wants this, he really does want this so fucking bad, but he can’t. Can’t take advantage of him.

And so he usually lets Dan move his hips against his side just for a second, and then stops him with a hand on his chest, pushing him away and weakly chuckling, “Dan. No.”

Dan whines as a complaint, pecks his lips a few times, “I know. I know, but- fuck.”

“Yeah,” Phil says, kisses him slowly before sitting up, “Trust me, I know.”

And Dan lays still against the bed, sighing deeply, before he sits up too, and they get back to whatever they were doing before.

Uncomfortably half-hard but happy to at least be together.

  
  
  
  


One day, Dan stays over for the night. It’s been months of him spending time at Phil’s, but it’s the first time he stays overnight. He pretends he’s at a friend’s and Phil’s so nervous he’s shaking a little for the first few hours, clumsier than usual, almost spilling Dan’s glass of water when he hands it out to him.

He feels stupid for it, but thankfully Dan just chuckles fondly, tries to make him relax with little cuddles, his thumb rubbing over the moon tattoo on his hand. With time, it does help.

But overall, it’s tense. It’s a lot of unjustified eye contact, and touching and smirks and Dan looking up at him through his lashes. Because of course, they know what it usually means for other people, when their significant other spends the night.

So when they bake a cake and messing about turns into making out, with Dan keeping Phil against the counter and pressing all against him, their crotches against each other - it’s not that much of a surprise. But it’s not good, either.

Well, it is, but. Um.

“Okay, okay,” Phil tries after a moment of kissing each other intently, “Think that’s enough.”

“It’s not enough,” Dan mutters against his lips, and his leg, clad in his ripped jeans-fishnets combination, makes his way to get in between Phil’s, “Can’t ever be enough.”

And that outfit on Dan really makes Phil go crazy, gets his mind all mushed and dumb, but that’s not- and Dan’s thigh against his clothed dick-, “Fuck, Dan. Fuck-”

“Yes, c’mon,” Dan says, hiding in Phil’s neck and rutting his hips, “Please, I keep- I keep thinking about this. Want you so bad.”

“I want you too,” Phil mutters, gets his hands on Dan’s hips and just clutches at them for a moment, “Want you too, but. We can’t.”

So Dan stops rutting, but stays there, panting a bit in Phil’s ear, “I keep imagining all the things we could do. You’re so hot, I. I get so hard thinking of you, and I always come with you on my mind when- when I fuck myself, I-”

“Oh my god, Dan,” Phil moans out, and this time pushes him off of him for real, watches him all hard and red-cheeked and so tempting, “You can’t just. Say that. Oh, fuck.”

Dan sits back on a chair, hides his crotch with his forearms and mutters, “But it’s true.”

And really, Phil could tell him all about what he does, too, at night when he’s all alone and thinking about all those times Dan got hard against him. He could tell him all he thinks about, Dan’s pretty lips wrapped around him, Dan riding him tirelessly with those fucking fishnets on, Dan moaning and whining- so many, many dirty thoughts he’s had for months now. But he doesn’t say anything, of course, just goes to plant a kiss on Dan’s cheek and whisper, “We’ve waited until now. We can wait a bit longer, uh?”

And Dan smiles sweetly up at him, “Yeah. We can.”

They stare at each other for a second, before Phil winks at him and Dan chuckles, and after a moment of them calming down, they get back to baking.

The cake, once done, is delicious, and they take pictures of it and eat almost all of it in front of a movie, ending up full and content and tangled up on the couch. They go to bed and cuddle and peacefully fall asleep, content.

Whatever. Sex can wait. This is everything, already.

  
  
  
  


It’s a few months from Dan’s 18 birthday when he starts texting him - other kind of stuff. It starts with relatively innocent things, like, _‘i wanna kiss you :(‘_ or _‘want your lips on miiine’_ , and admittedly it’s already a lot take in for Phil, but he really hasn’t seen it all.

 

_from: Dan_

_phil_

 

_to: Dan_

_Yes?_

 

_from: Dan_

_i’m like. very horny_

 

And Phil’s eyes go wide, his heart pounding as he stares at his phone for a moment, trying to process this.

 

_to: Dan_

_???_

 

_from: Dan_

_:(_

 

_to: Dan_

_Dan. What is this?_

 

_from: Dan_

_nothing? could be sexting?_

 

And Phil sighs out a heavy ‘oh, shit’, feeling his cheeks go red.

 

_to: Dan_

_That’s like.. a bad idea._

 

_from: Dan_

_don’t care…. i want you_

 

_to: Dan_

_God, I want you too. I’m just pretty sure_ _this isn’t right either._

 

_from: Dan_

_they’re just texts, right? we can delete_ _them. nothing’s actually happening._

 

_to: Dan_

_Doesn’t mean it’s right.._

 

_from: Dan_

_please. c’mon… i’m so hard. i always_ _get so hard because of you.._

 

Oh, god. Holy shit. And here goes Phil’s willingness, here comes his own arousal.

 

_to: Dan_

_Fuck, Dan. Me too. I know._

 

_from: Dan_

_then please help… we could just, like._ _share fantasies and stuff.. it’d be all fine._

 

_to: Dan_

_God. Ok. Alright._

 

And like he’s said - it’s a bad idea. It can’t possibly be a good one, of course it can’t, but. Dan is literally begging him right now, and they’re just texts. So it’s nothing much, right? Can’t be that bad.

 

_from: Dan_

_oh thank fuck i’ve been dying for /months/.._

_touching myself to thoughts of you_

 

_to: Dan_

_Fuck. What kind of thoughts then?_

 

_from: Dan_

_all kind of thoughts. soft, easy ones at first.._ _like your mouth on mine. and your mouth on my neck._

 

_to: Dan_

_Um. On your neck.. I’ve been wanting_ _to leave some marks there.._

 

_from: Dan_

_yes. yes, please do, once we can. i’d want that._

_and i’d want you to hold me close to you, too_

 

_to: Dan_

_Of course, yeah. Anything for you. I’d_ _keep you right against me._

 

_from: Dan_

_anything? so. then you could, like, grab my ass a bit._

 

Ah, and really, that’s all it takes for Phil’s cock to get half hard, thinking about Dan’s ass, and about getting to touch it as he kisses Dan-

 

_to: Dan_

_Yes, please. It’s a /great/ ass._

 

_from: Dan_

_is it :p thank you.. that’s good..cause_ _i’d want you to focus on it a lot_

 

_to: Dan_

_Yeah? You’d wanna bottom, babe? I remember_ _you telling me you fuck yourself, sometimes._

 

_from: Dan_

_i do. a lot. i love it, and yes, i want you to fuck me_

 

Holy shit. Phil gets a hand on his cock, through his jeans, and squeezes a bit as he sighs from the arousal. Oh, this is going really fast, really suddenly, but he’s thought about this so much lately, and Dan really is everything he could have ever dreamt of.

 

_to: Dan_

_I will. As soon as we can, I promise I will, I’ll fuck you so good._

_Are you touching yourself?_

 

_from: Dan_

_yes, i’m naked on my bed.. needy for you._

 

_to: Dan_

_Umm. Me too. Gosh, how good must you look.. you’re_ _so pretty, I can’t imagine what you’re like right now._

 

_from: Dan_

_i’m nothing much.. mostly i just wish i could see_ _/you/… you’re so fucking hot. wanna lick your tattoos._

 

_to: Dan_

_Oh? That’s a thing?_

 

_from: Dan_

_yeah, it’s hot_

_you’re hot. look all rough but you’re actually so sweet but_ _i’m also sure you could just.. fuck me into the mattress_

 

Okay, and that gets Phil to unbuckle his pants, getting his underwear down and using his right hand on his dick, struggling to type but desperately needing to touch himself. He’s completely hard by now.

 

_to: Dan_

_  
_ _Fuck. Yea I could do that. Definitely._

_Wanna fuck you hard.; hear you moan._

 

_from: Dan_

_ahh - cant believe i’mclose alredy but.. fck_

_this is s much_

 

_to: Dan_

_Oh, taht’s okay. Tthat’s okay, I’m gettin close too_

_Keep thinkingg about us together… my hands on you.._

 

_from: Dan_

_nd in me pls_

_in me nd on my cock im so wet_

 

_to: Dan_

_fuck, dripping preome?_

 

_from: Dan_

_yes yes please_

 

_to: Dan_

_Youre so hot. Want you to drip actual come now_

_Want you to come for me_

 

_from: Dan_

_oh godd_

 

_to: Dan_

_Cmon. Come allover yourself. So naughty, Dan_

 

_from: Dan_

_yes all naughty...alwas wantin ur cock fuck_

 

_to: Dan_

_Oh yes. Yes, and I’ll give it tyou pretty boy, Promise_

_Give it to u good, fuck u till youre shaking_

 

And there’s a small pause, then, where Phil imagines that Dan is coming, and that makes him swear under his breath, picturing him all red and breathless and pretty. So pretty, with his thick thighs and sinful lips, and he’d be even more tempting covered in come -

Phil comes, too, a tight feeling in his groin as he tugs on his cock as fast as he can, desperate for release, desperate from their talk. He groans and moans and covers his own fist in come, slumps back on his bed, breathless.

He sees that Dan has sent him a message, but he takes the time to clean himself up, first, swearing under his breath again at the craziness of it all. Then he falls back on his bed and reads the text.

 

_from: Dan_

_i just came_

_oh my god_

_i can’t believe this_

 

Phil chuckles, shakes his head.

 

_to: Dan_

_Fuck, me neither. And, for the record - I came, too._

 

_from: Dan_

_holy shit_

_that’s nice… fuck. thank you_

 

_to: Dan_

_Don’t thank me. There’s nothing to be thankful_ _about. I took pleasure from this, too._

 

_from: Dan_

_yeah, but you went past some doubts for it. so. yeah._

 

_to: Dan_

_I’ve been needing this, too. Don’t worry about it._

_We’re still stupid for it, but we’re stupid for /all/ of this anyway._

 

_from: Dan_

_lmao. gosh.. true. but i couldn’t regret it. ever._

 

And Phil smiles, though a bit sadly, at the words, and he sighs as he knows he can’t fool himself,

 

_to: Dan_

_Yeah. Me neither._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, don't hesitate to tell me your thoughts! i hope you enjoyed!
> 
> byyye <3


	9. going over your limit (but i know you can't quit it)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> d&p are suspiches... um... and dan turns 18
> 
> (chapter title from selena gomez - fetish)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look!!! there's a chapter already!!! i've never been this productive before xD. ever.
> 
> i hope you enjoy this..... it's probably not what you all are still waiting for lol but eh that's how it needs to go yknow

And he might have thought he wouldn’t regret the sexting - but they don’t do it again. He’s satisfied with it at first, but after a few days he just feels too guilty.

He thinks about how Dan still isn’t eighteen. He thinks about Greg, and what he would think if he knew and - oh god, that just brings his anxiety to a level he really can't deal with.

So they don’t do it again. And Dan whines about it and tries to trick him with some dirty talk, but in the end he just lets it got, because Phil isn’t being difficult just for the sake of it. He can’t bring himself to do that, yet.

They just go back to that sexually tensed state, and suffer through it all. Because it’s the right thing to do.

  
  
  
  
  


 

One day, Greg gives him a fright he won’t forget - ever, probably.

“I think Dan’s seeing someone again.” he says when they’re drinking beer in front of a dumb horror movie.

Phil freezes for a second, tries not to react too obviously but feels like he fails, and panics internally, “Oh. Uh - why’s that?”

“Well,” Greg shrugs, eyes still on the screen, “He’s been staying over at ‘ _ a friend’s _ ’ quite often. And he looks all, like, happy and smiley all the time, texting and stuff.”

Phil bites his lip, tries to contain a smile at that. Then he says, hesitant, “And, um. Does that still piss you off?”

“I’m - not sure, actually. If he didn’t tell me then that probably means bad news.. especially since we had agreed he’d just tell me about it. But he looks, like, in love or whatever, so. I don’t know. It’s weird.”

Oh, how Phil’s heart flutters at that, and tightens again because -  _ bad news. _

“Any idea who it could be?”

“That’s the problem.”

“Oh?”

Greg turns to him, and looks suspicious for a second, and Phil just stares and prays his face doesn’t give himself away - but then he realizes the suspicious look isn’t for him, is just a general look because Greg’s thinking it over, and he’s relieved again.

“What if it’s someone I know?”

_ Gosh, no _ . Phil gulps.

“Like who?”

“Ugh, I really don’t know.” he slouches back into the couch, grunting. “But, y’know. He’s not telling me anything this time, and the guy doesn’t ever come here or anything, so. Who knows.”

Phil tries to chuckle, though it’s definitely unnatural and he feels like he’s going to pass out, “Well, maybe he’s not even seeing anyone.”

“Um,” Greg sighs, takes a gulp of beer, “Maybe. I’ll just ask him, eventually.”

“Right,” Phil says, smiling shakily, “He’ll probably tell you then.”

  
  
  
  
  


A few weeks later, Greg tells him he’s asked Dan and this one has denied everything. Phil pretends he’s surprised, suggests that maybe he’s telling the truth.

Dan tells him all about how Greg asked him and how suspicious he looked, and Phil pretends it’s fine and that they don’t have to panic yet.

Though he’s panicking, already.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Are you secretly seeing someone, too?”

Phil’s heart misses a beat, and he looks up at Greg in surprise. They’re at the movies, waiting for that horror movie they’ve been wanting to see to begin, and Phil - Phil was just reading Dan’s text saying how he wishes they could go to the movies together, too, and so then Phil was just, well - smiling stupidly at his phone.

“Huh?” he goes, ineloquent.

“Why are you smiling so hard?” Greg asks, though he’s smirking a bit, “Is it Olivia?”

_ What? _

“Olivia?”

“Yeah. Don’t play dumb, c’mon. She’s been into you for a long time. And you still hang out, so. Is it finally becoming something more?”

“She’s not-” Phil shakes his head, feels himself blush a bit, “It’s not like that. I’m not seeing anyone, really.”

Greg hums, suspicious, “I guess you would have told me anyway, right?”

_ Uh, yeah. Well, except if the person’s your little brother- _

“Yeah - yeah, of course. But I’m not, so.”

“Alright. Seems like we’re stuck being single, still.” Greg sighs, then, leaning back against his seat. “Even Dan’s been in more relationships than us by now.”

Phil gives a weak chuckle, squirms a bit in discomfort, “True, that. But you were talking to that girl lately, weren’t you?”

And then he listens to Greg rant about his latest love interest, internally sighing in relief. He texts Dan back, just before the movie begins, as discreetly as he can.

 

_ to: Dan _

_ Your brother caught me smiling dumbly at my phone and I almost died xD. I really can’t wait for the day I can take you to the movies, either <3 _

 

He gets an answer only a few seconds later, and is thankful for the lights going out just then, because a smile spreads across his face again, inevitable.

 

_ from: Dan _

_ lol don’t die pls <3 you need to take me on a date at least 300 times before that <3 _

  
  
  
  
  


 

When June begins and summer gets close, it means a whole bunch of stuff.

First of all, it means it’s been 5 months of Dan and Phil being together, already, and. This is crazy, really. They’ve been so happy from it and time went by so fast and it blows Phil’s mind.

It also means that Dan starts wearing - pretty stuff, again, which makes it both worse and better to be able to have him close, now. Sure, he can appreciate it better, complimenting him and being able to just stare a bit without being scared, but it also means it’s harder to refuse Dan when this one tries stuff, even if it’s just to tease a bit. It’s some kind of torture, really.

And then, probably the most important thing about it all - it means Dan is going to be eighteen, soon. Very soon. And it reassures Phil as much as it makes him nervous. Because Dan will probably want - will probably want it all as soon as he’s of age. But Phil doesn’t know how to explain the anxiousness it brings him, the way it makes him doubt himself because.. well, because he’s a virgin, to begin with, and because Dan’s also a virgin, and because it was good until then to keep things unsexual and Phil is always a bit afraid of change. Even when it’s supposed to be good change.

It gets worse, though, as he learns something a few days into June.

Dan is at Phil’s again, on a Wednesday night, and they’re lying next to each other in the dark, in bed, all quiet and sleepy, when Dan searches for his face and then traces over Phil’s jaw.

“Phil?” he whispers, and then exhales shakily as Phil hums for him to go on. He plays with Phil’s snakebites gently, because he likes doing that, and then he’s saying, “I need to tell you something.”

Phil frowns, easily picking up on Dan’s distress, “Uh- ok?”

“You know it’s - you know it’s my birthday next week.” he’s muttering, keeping things calm even though his tone is really doubtful.

“Yeah, of course.”

“And - and you know, we were waiting for that before- before going any further.”

“Uh. Yes. Dan.. what is this about?” Phil asks, as light-heartedly as he can manage, and he rubs Dan’s arm to help with the nerves.

“I just-” Dan stops to take a breath, cuddles up closer to him, “I need to tell you. I’m not really a virgin.”

Phil freezes. His mind goes all over the place in a second, but mostly it’s just confusion taking over it, and he can only say, “Oh.”

“I’ve never actually said I was, but it’s normal that you’d think so, and I-” Phil can distinctly hear him swallow, then, “I’m sorry.”

“No, no, Dan-”, he rushes to say, brings him close to him, “That’s nothing to be sorry about. I’m just - surprised.”

“Yeah,” Dan says, and sighs, “I would have preferred if I was, to be honest.”

“Why?”

“Because - it wasn’t really good. I mean, we didn’t go all the way, so I guess there’s that, but. We just, did some stuff, all because. Well. Because he kind of made me feel like that was required, in a relationship? I don’t know. I just felt like- like it was the normal thing to do, because he kind of kept going on about it, a bit, and. Yeah.”

Phil frowns, feels his heart hurting for him, “Fuck, Dan.”

“Yeah.” Dan whispers, shakily, “It’s what I get for only going out with assholes.”

“No, it’s not your fault.” Phil assures, firmly, and blindly goes to run his fingers through Dan’s hair, “You were - how old was he even, that piece of shit?”

“Uh - he. He was 25.”

“Oh my god.” Phil closes his eyes, imagines it, imagines seeing that guy and fucking punching him in his dumb stomach, the dickhead, “See that’s - that’s why we can’t. Couldn’t. When you look at it from another point of view it’s.. you’re too young. I know you're not _that_ young, but, y’know, older people they - they can take advantage of you. You’re more vulnerable when you’re young, and now you regret it, so that’s. Fucked up. He’s fucked up for doing that to you.”

And Dan stays silent for a few seconds then, and Phil just breathes roughly from the frustration he feels, an arm still around Dan. He hears him sniffle, so he turns his head towards him in the dark, and feels a wet drop falling onto his neck.

“Dan?” he croaks out, trying to move, and stopping as Dan just holds him tightly. “Are you crying?”

Dan doesn’t answer, though he’s now breathing shakily, sniffling too often, and so it’s obvious that he is, but Phil gets that he’s meant to stay like that and let him have his moment, and so he doesn’t move or talk.

“I love you.” is the only thing Dan whispers in the end, still crying and holding onto him, and Phil thinks back to all the things he’s went through, to that moment months ago when he broke down over his father again, and he holds back as tightly as he can, his heart full of so many things.

“I love you, too.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


A few days later, Dan turns eighteen. It’s on a Saturday, so when Phil comes over at lunch, they celebrate it in a simple way, with a cake and some gifts opening. Phil got him a gift, too, but he figures it would be a bit weird to offer it now, so he’s waiting for Dan to come back at his.

So they eat cake and stuff, and when everyone tells him happy birthday, Phil makes sure to catch his eye as he wishes him, putting all his love into it, and Dan shyly smiles down at the gifts in front of him.

Joyce and Greg got him a new phone, and a sweater, with some money to go with it, and so all afternoon Dan takes the time to rummage through all the functions his phone has, and he sounds over-excited all along, happy and smiley, so Greg and Phil both have smiles to answer him with, each time he shows them something.

When night starts falling, some of Dan’s friends come pick him up, and this time it’s all good - because Dan’s of age, and he can do whatever he wants, now, and - wow.

Still, before he goes out, dressed all pretty in pastel colours and eyeliner, Greg makes sure to warn him, “Don’t drink too much, ‘kay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Dan rolls his eyes a bit, though he’s smiling, “Stop worrying so much.”

“Really, though,” Phil can’t help but insist, too, “Don’t do anything stupid. Be careful.”

And Dan looks at him in surprise, for a touch too long, before clearing his throat and nodding, “I will, I swear.”

Only then does Phil notice that Greg was staring at them both, before he just looks at his brother and drawls a small, “Yeah. You better.”

And Phil swallows, tries not to be too obvious about how worried he is all of a sudden - not about Dan, because he’s sure he’ll just have fun and still be sensible - but about that small moment where Greg just - took the time to look at them, to study them, even, and. Fuck.

That can’t be good, right?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Dan doesn’t come over the week that follows, says he’s got stuff to do for highschool, and so Phil hides his disappointment and keeps his gifts hidden, too. He’s pretty impatient to finally give it to him, so that’s also why he's disappointed, but he goes along with it and so they just text all week.

One night he almost has a heart attack. Kinda. That's an exaggeration, but-

 

_ from: Dan _

_ so there might have been another reason why i didn’t come this week… _

 

_ to: Dan _

_ Uh? What reason? _

 

_ from: Dan _

_ [image sent] _

_ surprise? _

 

And. Fuck. _Fuckfuckfuck_.

It’s a picture of him, laying in bed, curly hair all messy and eyeliner smudged - but most importantly, he’s got his tongue out, and there in the middle of it is a piercing.

A tongue piercing. He got the fucking tongue piercing he was talking about all those months ago.

 

_ to: Dan _

_ OMG. Oh god Dan what???? when?? _

 

_ from: Dan _

_ :p monday. it still hurts a bit and i think we’ll wait some more before kissing with tongue ( :( ) but… it doesn’t look as swollen as it did at first so. here _

 

_ to: Dan _

_ Holy shit. _

 

Holy shit - it’s so hot.

 

_ from: Dan _

_ you like it? _

 

_ to: Dan _

_ Ofc I do...wah _

 

_ from: Dan _

_ :3 _

_ i’m sure you’ll like it even more in a few weeks <3 _

 

And, uh. Phil’s pretty sure his cock twitches from that alone - thoughts about Dan’s mouth around him, using that piercing to please him, looking so pretty-

 

_ to: Dan _

_ You’re going to kill me :( _

 

_ from: Dan _

_ hopefully from a good orgasm ;) _

 

_ to: Dan _

_ Dan!!! _

 

_ from: Dan _

_ ehe sorryyyy……..i’ll let you be… see you tomorrow <3<3<3 _

 

_ to: Dan _

_ Fuck… see you tomorrow you tease<333 _

 

He lies back down on his bed, sighs as he palms at his cock a bit. He’s not actually hard but he sure feels like using those mental images he just had, and so his hand slips inside his underwear, and he bites his lip.

Dan’s seriously going to kill him some day.

Hopefully from a good orgasm, though, yeah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, please tell me your thoughts <3  
> byyye!!


	10. don't you want me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well..... they have some sort of a date... erm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo... long time no see......
> 
> i'm really sorry. it's useless to apologize again and again, but many things happened since i last updated, and by now i'm pretty sure you all know i'm a mess anyway, so. yeah.
> 
> it's short but i'm done with my exams and everything now, so we're going to finish this!! quickly!!
> 
> i hope you enjoy :) and i hope there aren't too many typos

Their first time - doesn’t get to be an actual first time. Or, well. Not an all-the-way kind of first time.

Dan finally comes over again, and since it’s been a while Phil tries all he might to make a great dinner for him, with cheap wine he bought just before, in a hurry, and everything he needs for a cake that he didn’t get the time to bake.

So, um. It’s not that great. But Dan smiles warmly at him anyway, when he sees the table nicely set, the smell of chicken and rice coming from Phil’s small kitchen. He kisses Phil on the lips, and it turns into more kisses, getting insistent before they force themselves away and smile at each other.

“You went all out tonight, didn’t you?” Dan says, taking off his coat and dropping it on the couch.

Phil shrugs, blushes a bit. “I mean - it’s been a while, so. We’re celebrating? I guess?”

Dan chuckles before he goes towards the table and eyes the bottle of wine. He takes it in hand, looks up at Phil teasingly, until Phil is fidgeting.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Dan grins, “This just looks a lot like a date meant to end up in a bed.”

Phil swallows, feels himself flush all over. “N-no. I swear, that’s not what I-”

Dan comes closer to kiss him again, stopping him in his tracks before tugging a bit on his snakebites, and then he whispers, “I know. Don’t worry, it’s all good.”

Phil nods, can’t help but kiss Dan again, just a bit before he turns back to the kitchen, telling Dan to make himself comfortable. When he comes back, Dan’s already opened the wine and poured it in their glasses, is ready to sip his.

“Hey”, Phil chuckles, chicken in one hand and rice in the other, before he puts them on the table, “I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to wait for me.”

Dan teasingly sticks his tongue out, “Well, I didn’t.”

“Brat,” is all Phil says, eyeing Dan with fond eyes as he sits down in front of him.

“Um?” Dan looks up at him as he sips his wine, “Gotta make me behave then. Right?”

“Oh my god,” Phil chokes out, looking down, “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing,” Dan chuckles, blushes a bit, “I’m just - you know.”

Phil looks up, studies the way Dan is looking at him almost hungrily, biting his lip, and he mutters, “Yeah. I know.”

Dan hums, smiles lightly, and then he serves them the food, though Phil tries to take the ladle from him. In the end he sits back, pouts, and lets himself be served.

Then they eat, and start making light conversations, and it’s all just nice and innocent again. They talk about the exams Phil passed a week ago, about Dan’s finals to get graduated from high school, about how Greg’s been behaving, and Dan’s friends. And yeah. It’s nice to have him here again. Once they’re done and sated, they lean back in their chairs, smile at each other.

“I wanted to bake a cake,” Phil says, apologetic, “But I didn’t get the time to do it.”

“Well, that’s okay,” Dan reassures, “We can always just bake it together. That’d be fun.”

Phil raises his eyebrows, chuckles, “You think that’s a good idea?”

“Ah,” Dan cringes, laughs all prettily, “Probably not.”

And still, they clean up after themselves - and then they get all they need to bake the cake, and they get to it.

It’s a mess, really. Phil doesn’t have everything they actually need, they mess up the quantities, drop an egg right on the floor that they take at least five minutes to clean up. So really, nothing about it is perfect. But in a way it is, of course, because it’s them. So they laugh all along, to the point of being breathless, and they mess around, mark each other with flour, and just overall act like children.

Happy children.

Children that quickly grow up at some point.

After they’ve put the cake in the oven, Dan slaps a mark of flour on Phil’s thigh, and they laugh and Phil tries to get back at him. Dan twists to avoid it, but also - also he’s just sucking on a spoon, nonchalantly like his lips around it aren’t absolutely sinful, and suddenly Phil’s reminded-

“You-”

Dan raises an eyebrow when Phil can’t seem to find his words anymore, “I?”

“I forgot about your tongue piercing.” Phil says, moving back against the counter, and Dan smirks at him.

“Oh, yeah,” he says, takes the spoon out and shows his tongue, “There.”

And, god.

It’s really pretty. Little ball of metal in the middle of Dan’s tongue, suggestive and attractive, Dan absolutely too proud of himself for it.

“Yeah. That’s - that looks good.”

Dan smiles, and he gets closer to Phil, “Does it?”

Phil swallows, nods once Dan’s right in front of him, can’t help but look right at Dan’s lips. Seconds later Dan’s kissing him, harsh, pressing himself into him, and when he starts licking lightly at Phil’s lips to get him to open them up - Phil does, and then feels Dan’s piercing as they press their tongues together, and fuck.

He can’t help himself anymore. He just can’t. Getting an arm around Dan, he presses him harder into himself, and kisses him more intently, rougher, gripping at his hair a bit, and Dan makes a breathy sound into his mouth.

It doesn’t help. At all. It gets Phil to make a plaintive sound, too, as Dan lightly grinds against him, trails his hands down his arms. And slowly, they get hard against each other, while making out so intensely that they’re panting into the kiss. But there’s no stopping this time, no slowing down, as they just keep grinding and kissing.

Dan suddenly moves them backwards, until he can just sit on the counter and bring Phil in-between his legs, moaning when their crotches are pressed together and Phil starts mouthing at his neck.

“Don’t stop-” he starts begging, “Don’t stop, Phil- please, don’t make me wait anymore.”

And Phil can only shake his head, hidden in Dan’s neck, “No, no, baby. I won’t.”

So they keep going. They press into each other harder, more desperately with each passing second, months of pent up sexual frustration coming back to them as Phil bites at Dan’s neck and Dan stops him to lick into his mouth. Then he’s leaning back, whining lightly, and Phil curses under his breath.

“Fuck, I’ve wanted this for so long now-” Dan says, breathless, needy, and Phil aches to give him anything he wants, “And still I want so much. Want you so bad, want everything.”

“Me too, yeah-” Phil groans a bit, grips Dan’s thighs, “You’ve been such a tease, all pretty and hot, that was - that was so hard. Made  _ me  _ so hard.”

Dan smiles a bit, bites his lip, “Yeah. I loved that. Loved teasing you - even though,  _ oh _ , even though I was even more desperate every time. I would- I’d go to bed at night and-”

He pauses there, and Phil urges him on, squeezes his ass gently, “And what?”

“And I’d touch myself while thinking of you. Sometimes I’d- sometimes I’d get a dildo and use it. Fuck myself with it.”

“Holy shit,” and this is almost a whine there, as Phil jerks forward, feels his own cock twitch, so hard he’s ready to burst any second already.

“Yeah, yeah.” Dan is whiny, too, pulling Phil into his arms and muttering into his neck, “Lately it’s been different, just a bit, because of- because of the piercing. I just. Just want to suck you off so bad, I’ve been sucking on my toy and wishing it was your cock, Phil, I’m sure it’s so much better-”

And oh, god, the mental image of this, of Dan desperately sucking on a dildo, dirty and needy and drooly, so fucking hot - it only takes a few seconds of Dan palming at his cock through his jeans before he’s coming, hard, biting Dan’s neck in the process.

Coming in his pants has always been a horrible thing, because of how quickly he feels sticky, but he can’t bring himself to care now, especially when Dan takes his hand and urges him on to palm at him, too. So he holds Dan’s cock, swears under his breath, and tries his best to do a poor version of a handjob through his pants, kissing him hungrily, and Dan only takes a moment to come, too.

He just arches suddenly into his arms, moaning loudly with his eyes closed, so fucking pretty and naughty, and fuck, Phil loves him so much, can’t believe this just happened.

Afterwards Dan opens his eyes, and he smiles so widely that Phil can only reciprocate. They hold each other tightly for a while, trying to breath normally again, and it feels good, feels intimate, like they really shared something special even though this was probably an unconventional way to have a first sexual encounter.

It’s good enough, though. Even with sticky underwear and sweaty hair, it’s perfect. They’ve never been much into conventional things, anyway.

So they take their time then, to clean themselves up in the bathroom, to kiss and giggle through it all, stopping by the couch to make out for a bit before suddenly remembering the cake. And surely when they pull it out it’s a little over-cooked, but it’s nothing too bad and they’re feeling pretty euphoric anyway, so really they just savour it and smile happily at each other all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgive me for making you wait, pls <3


	11. the place to lose your fears, yeah, reckless behaviour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oopsiiiiiiiie it goes wrong
> 
> -
> 
> (title chapter lyrics from zayn - pillowtalk)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI!!! i took more time than i thought buuut probably less time than yall thought... lol. maybe.
> 
> anyways i am here! be careful bc things don't exactly go right in this....
> 
> enjoy

There’s this thing people say, see. Everyone knows that once you sleep with someone, you’ll have this thing. That connexion, kind of, because you just feel so great and you shared something so intimate with someone that you can’t help feeling that new tension and smiling knowingly at each other and stuff.

And it’s true. But they also maybe failed to mention that it makes you crave it more. Makes you a little more - obvious to people around you.

They get reckless.

Just a bit. Just a tad too much. And in the end it’s what gets them in trouble. They want each other even more, crave each other, actually. And the fact that they have to hide everything makes it even harder. So Dan comes around even more, and things pretty much always get heated then - they grind against each other, start giving handjobs, blowjobs - slowly getting more adventure.

And so.

With the dirtiness comes even more affection. Comes even more stolen kisses, hidden hugs, discreet touches.

Recklessness, yeah.

The first time they manage to get through it. The first time they’re in the kitchen, waiting for Greg to come back from the toilets, and they’re taking advantage of the time they have to smile cheekily at each other, eyes sparkling, because Joy isn’t there either. So of course they can do that, of course they can play footsies under the table without a care in the world, right?

When Greg comes back they scramble to untangle their feet and it makes noise and their stupid surprised faces probably are the most noticeable thing. Greg looks at them, then, goes back to his seat with a frown, and then laughs just a tiny bit, from confusion.

“What are you two doing?” he asks, voice almost suspicious.

Phil doesn’t dare trying to answer, feeling himself blush a little, so Dan does, just looks at Greg like he’s the weird one, “Nothing? Just eating and waiting for you.”

Greg looks at him for a second longer, goes back to his plate after a small “..ok.” and. Well.

It should have been enough of a warning.

It happens a few weeks later. Come to think of it, they should have known there was no way to avoid it. It had to happen at some point.

Firstly, Greg began questioning Dan again about whether or not he had a boyfriend. Dan kept denying it, but apparently Greg never looked convinced. Secondly, there had been a couple times where Dan and Phil would smile at each other a little too suspiciously, and Greg would stare at them for a second.

Thirdly.

Before Phil comes over as always, on Saturday, Dan texts him that he can’t wait to see him, that he’s horny and can’t wait to come over during the following week. Of course, Phil plays along. Says it’s gonna be so hard to resist kissing him, and touching him. And by then he’s almost ready to go, so he doesn’t really think too hard about why Dan doesn’t answer afterwards.

He quickly understands, anyway.

He shows up at their door and Greg opens it, and he looks at Phil with such a stern look that Phil’s immediately taken aback. Greg only stares at him for a few seconds, no hint of a smile on his face, and then he moves back, says, “You’ve got some stuff to tell me.”

And then he notices Dan, who must have been hiding behind the door, waiting. He’s crying quietly, looks at Phil like he wants to apologize, and Phil’s pretty sure of what’s going on already.

Greg extends a hand towards Dan, and Dan gives him a harsh look, still hands him his phone. Already, Phil feels like he’s gonna throw up, like his heart’s gonna fucking burst from how hard it’s beating. This can’t be it, this can’t be it-

Greg goes through Dan’s phone, and then he nods at the screen, turns it towards Phil.

Sure enough, it’s their conversation. Most importantly, it’s all those messages that make them guilty as fuck, with no way out.

Phil looks up at Greg, swallows because Greg’s jaw seems to be quite tight, and Phil tries, “Look, Greg-”

“Don’t you dare try to make up some shit excuse. Dan tried that already. I’m not  _ that  _ fucking dumb, no matter what you two seem to think.”

“No, it’s not like that, Greg,” Phil rushes to say, gives Dan a look, who’s just quietly staring at the ground, arms crossed over his chest, “We don’t- we don’t think that.”

“You don’t? Then what? Why did you think I’d never notice my best friend and my brother were going at it in secret?”

Phil closes his eyes, his heart dropping because fuck - fuck, there, it’s out. It’s out in the open and- what is he supposed to do, now?

“I can’t believe this.” Greg says, gives a fake, astonished laugh, “You really fucking hid this from me like a dirty little secret. How long?”

“What-”

“How. Long?” Greg grits out, steps closer to Phil, who tries not to take a step back as Greg suddenly shouts, “How long have you been fucking my little brother?!”

“Oh my god,” Dan speaks up, a disbelieving laugh in his voice, and he’s crying still, looks so desperate, and Phil wants nothing more than to hold him, but- “Fuck you, Greg! Fuck you! You don’t know anything! You don’t get to just-”

“I don’t get to what?” Greg turns to him, frowns harder, “I don’t fucking get to know if my best friend’s banging you? Because that’s the thing! I don’t know anything! Why the fuck don’t I know anything?”

“Exactly because of this!” Dan yells out, roughly takes his phone from his hands, “Exactly because you’re too much of a fucking dick to let me live my life!”

“Don’t talk to me like that-”

“Greg, look-” Phil tries to speak up, tries to sooth things because this is exactly how he never would have wanted this to go, “Look, this isn’t - it’s not about sex. It’s not - I. I’m in love with Dan, ok?”

Greg silently looks at him, lips pinched tight, and he really seems so angry and hurt that Phil - he doesn’t know how this is supposed to get better. “I don’t give a fuck.”

“Yeah,” Dan says, voice wobbly from his tears, and god, how Phil just wants to cry with him, “You only care about keeping me from doing what I want. No matter how I feel.”

“No, Dan,” Greg shakes his head, fixes the ground before looking up, “That’s complete bullshit.”

“ _ You _ ’re complete bullshit. I knew you’d try and ruin everything, see? That’s why you still didn’t know about it. Phil-” Dan stops then, gives Phil a little smile that Phil reciprocates, tenderness in him, “He makes me so happy. It’s been going on for months, and there’s no fucking way you’re gonna blow this up. I won’t let you. I  _ can’t _ . I care too much, he’s the best I could ever ask for.”

Phil doesn’t think they’ve ever been so honest yet, doesn’t think they’ve ever told each other things that emotional, that pretty. He had never even told Dan he loved him out loud, and in a way he hates that this is when it had to happen, but he also feels like it was needed.

Greg stays silent for a while, shaking his head from time to time, before he mutters, “I can’t fucking believe this.”

“Yeah, well, that’s not our fucking problem-”

And before Dan can get angry again, Phil speaks up, “Greg, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that we- lied to you, in a way. It’s just - it seemed too complicated. We knew you wouldn’t like it but we couldn’t just - ignore our feelings either. And. Well. I’m sorry, really. But I guess you have to realize that we hid it from you for a reason.”

“I would have liked it better if you had just told me.”

“We were scared,” Phil says, “Because we care about what you think. We care about you.”

And again, Greg stays silent, doesn’t meet their eyes. They all wait for a moment, for him to say something, to yell or accept it, but it doesn’t come, so Phil tries again,

“Greg-”

“I think should get out.”

And Phil looks down, sighs. Wordlessly, he nods, and turns to leave as he opens the door, but then he sees Dan coming towards him.

“Where are you going?” Greg asks, confusion in his voice.

“With him,” Dan simply says, like it’s no big deal, like there’s no other way, “I’m certainly not going to stay here.”

Phil can only stare, mouth open, from Dan to Greg, but then Dan urges him on, “Can we go now?” and he moves, though he sees Greg’s disapproving eyes on him, and then they’re out.

The drive to Phil’s apartment is quiet, tensed. Not because things are tensed between them, but simply because they probably both have too much to say that they don’t know how to let out now.

But once they’re sitting on Phil’s couch, hand in hand, they cry together, quietly, smiling softly at each other.

“My mom probably heard everything,” Dan whispers at some point, smiles sadly, and Phil tightens his hold on his hand.

“That’s okay,” he says, “I’m sure she’ll accept it.”

“Yeah,” Dan nods, leans down to kiss him gently, “I think so too.”

Then Phil just leans his head on Dan’s shoulder, sighs. “Do you think he’ll come around?”

“I mean,” Dan hums, sighs too, “I’m his brother. You’re his best friend. He has to, right?”

And really, no matter how much he worries, in a way Phil knows Greg will come around, will accept it. Because Greg loves them, which is also why it’s so hard for him to see Dan taking risks, or what he thinks are risks.

So Phil has faith in this, even though right now his thoughts are a mess and he feels horrible about how it all went.

“Can’t believe he just-” Dan pauses, scoffs, “I left for a second only. When I came back he was looking at your answer because it had appeared on my screen. This is so stupid.  _ I _ was so stupid.”

“It’s okay, Dan. He would have found out at some point. It doesn’t matter now. At least he knows and things will move along.”

“Yeah. I guess so.”

And so they just take it as it is. They talk for a little more, trying to make sense of their feelings, and trying to accept that this is how it went. In the end they just hope it’ll get better, and they know they have each other.

So they cuddle up in bed that night, and they take it as it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo ??? how was that? it's finally out woop woop
> 
> one more chapter to go.........
> 
> xx


	12. love is patient, love is kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is it, guys. this is the hot and sweet ending yall waited for.
> 
> -
> 
> (title chapter from macklemore - same love / or like, from the bible.. oops)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well............hi
> 
> so. this took a very, very long time. hopefully by now you're used to it and don't resent it too much lol. but i'm sorry, still.
> 
> at least it's there......
> 
> this is it. this is the end.
> 
> maybe not as good as it could be, but hey, i tried. and i really hope you'll enjoy it....

Dan ends up staying at Phil’s for a few days. He asks his mom first, and she agrees, and so he stays. He says he doesn’t feel like seeing Greg again for now, or at least he doesn’t feel like facing him so soon.

The fact that his mother agreed, though, shows that she’s ok with the news. Because there’s no way she didn’t hear the fight the other night. So if she lets Dan stay there - it’s all good. She trusts Phil. Phil knows that. They’ve known each other for a long time, and talked a lot as the years went by. So it’s nice.

Dan already has the basic stuff he needs here anyway. Well he’ll need to borrow some of Phil’s clothes, but he’s got his toothbrush, and some underwear too. He doesn’t have his books for high school, but he says he won’t really need them. So it works out.

Phil drives him to school before going to his own classes, and at the end of the day he comes to pick him up, and it works and it’s actually pleasing to kind of live together.

And of course, it’s a lot of time for them to cuddle, and make out, and - other stuff. Naughty stuff. The things they did already, and then some more. (And yes, gosh, does Dan’s tongue piercing feels perfect). They do it because it feels like the right time, in a way. It feels like after all those bad feelings, and after finally letting everything out, it’s finally meaningful enough to take that final step.

It had to start with some fingering. They both try it out, though they’ve already each done it alone, and they confirm what their thoughts were beforehand - that Dan would like being fucked more than Phil, probably. It’s not that Phil doesn’t like it, but Dan is more sensitive to it, and Phil really, really wants to fuck him into the mattress, he says.

So that’s how they decide to go about it.

They talk about it one night. About how they want to take that “final” step. Dan sounds a little desperate for it, actually, and it’s beautiful, super hot, and Phil wants him immediately. So they go to Phil’s bedroom, and Dan has Phil sitting in seconds, to straddle him and kiss him stupid.

They make out for a while. With a lot of pleasured sighs, tiny moans, lots of tongue and more desperation as time goes by and they end up grinding against each other soon enough.

“C’mon, c’mon,” Dan presses, already unbuttoning Phil’s shirt, “Let’s get naked.”

“Oh, wow,” Phil chuckles, but helps him take his shirt off, “Alright then. In a hurry?”

“Shut up,” Dan smiles against his lips, already going back for kisses, “I’ve been in a hurry all this time. You should know by now.”

“You’re right,” Phil says, before making sure their bare chests are pressed against each other, “I should know, with how I’ve been the same.”

Dan pouts, “Liar. Not as much as me.”

“No, I was,” Phil insists, a grin on his lips, because Dan is just too cute, “I just have good self control.”

“Um,” Dan rolls his eyes, still leaning down to start biting at Phil’s neck, over some of his tattoos, “What a bad boy.”

And Phil can feel himself blush a bit, from Dan’s teasing tone, and how ironic those words are. Eh. He really is not the hottest, baddest bad boy out there. But well. Dan loves him, so that’s what matters most.

“I could be one for you.”

Dan hums confusingly even as he sucks a hickey on his neck.

“A bad boy. I could be one, if you wanted me to.”

“Yeah, right.” Dan chuckles, and Phil makes him pull off a bit, to arch an eyebrow at him, and Dan shrugs, “Sorry, but that’s a little hard to believe. Also, I don’t want you to be someone you’re not.”

“That’s not what it’d be, though.” Phil says, caresses Dan’s sides as he starts to hesitate a bit, “I just meant. Like. Uh - ugh. Forget it.”

“No,” Dan gets his arms around Phil’s neck, and he’s so close and beautiful, his pretty little nipples all in his face, but- “Tell me.”

“I just meant-” Phil sighs, hides in Dan’s chest, “Just like. I could take care of you. Or. No. I mean - I could get a bit - rough, maybe.”

Dan giggles a bit, lifts his head up to kiss him, “That doesn’t sound very convincing right now but I guess we’ve been fantasizing about the same stuff, so. Yes, definitely. You could - manhandle me and stuff. I’d like that.”

“Yeah?” Phil smiles, kisses him again.

“Yeah.”

“Cool. Slow, though, right?”

“Yes. Slow.” Dan confirms and then gets him to lie down as he gets up and takes the rest of his clothes off, “Not too slow, though.”

“Okay,” Phil laughs, and then he’s taking everything off, until both of them are naked, and pressed together, hard and beautiful.

After that it’s almost blurry. It’s so good and intense that - it’s all Phil can concentrate on. There’s nothing on his mind but Dan-Dan-Dan-

And they’re kissing so hard, grinding so hard, their cocks pressed against each other, Phil’s hands on Dan’s pretty, sensitive nipples, which makes Dan pant right into his mouth.

“Fuck, fuck,” Dan whines, presses his cock into Phil’s thigh. “Oh, I want - you should - finger me, c’mon.”

“Mm,” Phil hums as he bites Dan’s nipple, “Get the lube. And condoms.”

Dan gets everything they need, and then they’re ready. Phil lays Dan down, and for a second he just looks at him, at how pretty he is, at how easy he’s gonna be to love, and Dan traces Phil’s tattoos for a moment and then they stare at each other and it’s. Really something. To be with him.

He traces his fingers down Dan’s chest, tummy and cock, tugging on it just a bit before he makes Dan lift his legs and parts them. He teases at his hole, and Dan’s breath hitches but he parts his legs wider even, so Phil spills some lube on his fingers and gets to work - though it feels like anything but work, with how good it is.

How good it is to make Dan a mess with just a few fingers, to watch him come apart. It’s hot down there, where his tight hole is getting fingered right open, all pink and sensitive, but it’s also hot to really watch Dan, his face almost distressed from the pleasure, moans spilling out of his open, hot little mouth. His eyes are closed but he’s holding Phil’s other hand tightly, subconsciously pulling him closer every time it gets really intense. His stomach tightens in time with his moans, and it’s really, really pretty.

Phil takes his sweet time with him. He makes sure he’s completely ready, makes sure he wants it, makes sure it’s not just that moment before the actual fucking, but also a moment of pure pleasure, as Phil presses continuously into Dan’s prostate, almost as if he was aiming to milk him.

When Phil takes Dan’s cock in his hand though, that’s when Dan trashes around for a second and pushes his hand away, crying out, “Stop! Stop-stop-stop ok, that’s enough, too much, I-”

“Wah,” Phil chuckles in surprise, taking his hands away, “Alright, sorry.”

“No, that was-” Dan takes a deep breath, lays back down, “Too good. Don’t wanna come now.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

There’s a second of silence, where they can calm down but Phil also can focus on his ever-growing desire, his completely hard cock, the way Dan’s hole flutters and seems to invite him, and so Phil gets closer, kisses his lips, “Should I go on then?”

“Yeah,” Dan nods eagerly, moving him until he’s between his legs, “C’mon, fuck me.”

Phil groans, bites Dan’s lower lip, “God, yes. Gonna fuck you right into this bed.”

“Please,” Dan whines, legs pulling Phil closer.

Phil’s cock brushes against Dan’s ass, helplessly thrusting against it for a moment, before he gives in and makes sure it’s against Dan’s hole he’s brushing, making both of them moan eagerly.

“Want you so bad,” Phil whispers, wants to thrust in Dan now, “You’re so fucking hot.”

“Put on a condom and fucking- fuck me.”

“Yes, yeah-”

And that’s what Phil does. Puts on a condom - and fucks into Dan. Slowly, gently, because his cock is bigger than most, and Dan is still very tight, and only seems to get tighter as he hisses, begins closing his legs.

“No, no baby-,” Phil says, sweet as he kisses Dan’s cheek, “Relax. Don’t you get all tense, I don’t wanna hurt you. Want me to pull out?”

Dan shakes his head no, still looks uncomfortable, eyes closed and hands holding onto Phil desperately.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Ok. Ok, then breathe, and- relax, yeah? It’s all good. Just like my fingers or- or the toys. Just that now- now it’s my cock.”

“I know,” Dan says, opens his eyes to look right at Phil, and there- they’re really, really sharing something now, right in this moment, “That’s why it’s. Different. Makes me nervous.”

“It’s alright. It’s just me.”

And Dan nods then, untensing, opening his legs wide, and Phil looks at him and he’s just got to kiss him, with everything he’s got, all the love in him, from all those years - and now they’re here and it’s so much. And the pleasure is so much, too, because Dan is just tight enough, so hot inside, so perfectly pretty -

“Fuck. Fuck, baby, you feel incredible. Better than I ever could have imagined.”

And Dan smiles at him, pulls him closer as Phil starts thrusting in and out, still careful, but Dan seems better, starts making tiny noises that encourage Phil. So he tries harder, only has to try for a moment, before he founds Dan’s prostate, Dan telling him with a bite of his lip to keep thrusting there.

And then it’s perfect. Beautiful. He makes sure to press into Dan’s sweet little spot every time, so that the pleasure builds and builds in him and his hard cock leaks a bit on Phil’s stomach, his legs tight around him, his mouth letting out little whimpers to make Phil moan in response.

Looking at Dan’s pretty face then, how sweaty and passionate he looks, he can only mutter reverently, “Beautiful, Dan. So beautiful, look at you.”

“That’s so good-”

“Yeah? You like me fucking you?”

“Yes, yeah-” Dan nods eagerly, sobs a bit at the hard thrust Phil gives him, “Oh, god- love your cock, love that cock, Phil-”

“Mm, ‘course you do, baby.” Phil whispers, lets his hands trail down Dan’s torso, before playing with his cock, “Course you do. Are you- are you a little cockslut, hm?”

And Dan’s eyes go wide open, looking so surprised that Phil doubts himself for a moment but he _knows_ how Dan once talked about how that could-

“Yeah! God, I’m- such a cockslut, Phil, please-” he pants, and Phil interrupts him a second to kiss him harshly, going harder as he fucks into him, “Give it to me, c’mon-”

And Phil does. Gives it to him harder, takes his thick thighs in hands to push them back and starts pounding him, making him pant and whimper. And it’s so good, to let loose and get sucked into Dan’s tight, hot body, his pretty hole taunt around him, taking his cock so well. He keeps praising him all along, how good he is, and feels, and how much he loves him, and loves that little slut, looking all lewd for him-

He tells Dan to touch himself, and Dan obeys immediately, starts jerking himself off in a hurry. He comes as Phil starts biting his neck gently, cock still pushing into him, again and again, even though Dan’s tighter as he moans loudly and his tummy gets painted white and Phil pulls of, gets the condom off to start jerking off over Dan’s stomach, hurried and horny out of his mind, so close to the edge-

He adds onto the mess that Dan stomach is now, covered in cum, so hot. When he kisses Dan hard and Dan pulls him down and the cum stains him too, he doesn’t give a shit, can only hold onto Dan as tightly as he can, lost in him, in them.

“I love you so, so much.” he says, voice tight with feelings.

“Yeah,” Dan whispers, holding him closer still, “Love you so much, too.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


In the end, Greg comes around by himself. He texts Phil first, tells him they should take the time to talk, and of course Phil agrees. They meet at a coffee shop, and talk for a long time. Greg asks him a lot of questions, and Phil does all he can to answer it all - except when it gets a bit too personal. It’s a lot about ‘since when, and why, and how old were you’, and Greg seems reassured to know that Phil never took advantage of Dan, never saw him as a sexual being when he was, like, 15, or even 16, because God, that would have been too much, and really disturbing.

He’s reassured to know they never did more than kiss before Dan was 18, that it took a long time to really come to life, that it wasn’t always like that but it was actual love that brought them together.

He still seems touchy about the idea of them being - intimate, even in simple affectionate ways, but it’s understandable, and Phil thinks he’ll get used to this, too.

“I really, really love him,” he tells him, and Greg smiles sadly, “Really. He’s not - not just your little brother to me. Not a kid anymore. He’s my boyfriend, and we’re - seriously in love.”

“Seriously in love,” Greg repeats, laughs a bit, “Well. That’s good, then. As long as you respect him, and give him all he needs - I freaked out, but. You're like, the one guy on this Earth I could blindly trust, so.”

“Yeah. I shall hope so. And you know I'll be the best I can be to him.”

They smile at each other, and so then it’s easier.

  
  
  
  
  


So they try. Greg and Dan talk, too, though Phil doesn’t know all the details, because it gets into deeper subjects - of course. They talk about Dan and Phil’s relationship, but the two brothers know that deep down the issues are more complicated, and it’s a lot about family and protectivity and their Dad’s death. So they talk about it and there’s that at least, to help them work on it with time.

They all love each other so much, after all. How stupid would it have been if even more love had brought them all apart? What matters most is that they all take care of each other, and would never intentionally hurt one another. They all know that this is the most important thing. All three of them together - that's actually the best thing they have.

They start hanging out all together again, and they officially announce it to Joyce, who takes it very positively, even crying a bit because she says they make a beautiful couple and Phil is trustworthy and super sweet and she wants the best for Dan and - yeah, she’s happy about it.

With time it gets easier. It becomes more casual, even though at first they have a hard time being completely natural with it, with how affectionate they can be.

But winter comes and one afternoon in the snow, as they all play around, Dan ends up lying down dramatically in his huge coat, face almost disappearing under it as he groans out, “Forget about me. I am dead now. Too much cold. Too much effort.”

So of course Phil laughs, slaps his coat-covered stomach, tells him he’s a dork. And when Dan looks at him, a smile on his face, his nose all red, Phil can’t help but lean down and kiss him lightly. Just like that. In front of Greg.

So they freeze for a second, but as Greg comes closer from wherever he was, he says, “Yeah, yeah. You’re both cute or whatever. Now come on, I’m freezing my ass off out there.”

And so it’s easier.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Then, months and months later, as they once again spend their afternoon all together being lazy on Dan and Greg’s couch - for whatever reason Greg will go, “Well, I mean. My best friend and my little brother are in love. I couldn’t have it easier, right?”

And so it will all be good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well now this is it.
> 
> this fic went on a for a whole year. like. wow. that's a long time. and i cannot say how hard it was to motivate myself to write that last chapter, because now i changed fandoms and stuff, but still when i wrote those last paragraphs with greg i did feel a bit emotional because i still love dan and phil and i still love those three characters there. they all love each other so much and i'm :( yeah.
> 
> anwyays. at last it's done. and i really really hope you've loved it all.
> 
> don't hesitate to tell me your last thoughts <3

**Author's Note:**

> 'comments make a writer's day'... pls let me know what you thought :D
> 
> thanks for reading, hope you liked it xx
> 
> (title from selena gomez - bad liar)
> 
> come talk to me (◠⏝◠✿) my tumblr, curiouscat & twitter are imrageandlove


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